Tuesday, December 25, 2007

It's been awhile...

I have not written here in quite some time. I've been putting a lot of my posts on my CarePage, and/or MySpace. Since I've only got a few who read here, I have not felt the need to keep up with this page as much. I've only got so much energy...

However, as 2007 is quickly winding to a close, I did want to write a bit about this past year, and why I am THRILLED to see it come to an end!

All was going well in the beginning. I was living in an apartment I adored, and while things were financially rough, I was well on my way to finding stable ground. I was engaged to a man that seemed wonderful to me at the time, and life seemed grand.

As it turned out, the engagement would not last. We had made a whole lot of mistakes in our relationship, and I did not find him to be supportive when I needed him the most. In fact, rather than being my advocate and protector, he tended to throw me in harm's way where my reputation among his cohorts was concerned. Painfully, I gave him back the ring I had so proudly and hopefully worn on my left hand, and proceeded to piece my life back together.

Life still was not so bad. I was soon working in a job that I absolutely loved, and it was certainly adequate for paying my bills. Despite the pain of the broken engagement, I felt that life was on the upswing.

I soon found myself in another relationship, with a man who claimed to be a lot of things that he wasn't. Without going into detail, I will say that he hurt me more than any man who has ever been in my life. The pain I carried out of that relationship was far worse even than the pain of the broken engagement. Forgiving him continues to be a process.

In April of this year, after going to the ER for what turned out to be a herniated bowel, it was discovered that I had a rare type of cancer growing in my kidney. I had to have surgery to fix the hernia, as well as remove the kidney. This would change my life in ways I could never have anticipated at the time.

As I had not short-term disability insurance, I did not have the money to continue paying rent and so forth in my apartment. I had to move out, and lived with my parents for awhile. Everything I had worked so hard for was ripped out of my hands within a matter of moments, and my life was changed dramatically.

I ultimately ended up moving in with my sister. I am living on a monthly disability check now, which is a tremendous blessing. I realize I am very blessed to be where I am, in every respect. Nevertheless, it is hard not to look back at what I had...an apartment I loved, a job I loved, and independence I fought tooth and nail to gain and hold on to...and not feel some sadness over it. It's difficult not to wonder what might have been, if I had been able to stay where I was.

Still, what choice do I have but to pick up the pieces and move on? I cannot live in what used to be. I can only live in what I have right now, in this moment. I can only live where God has planted me for this season of my life, and not hinge everything on a past I cannot reclaim. I have to believe that these losses are not in vain, and God was removing obstacles that were keeping me from the greater blessing He has for me. I do not believe that God derails our lives for no good reason. I believe that He has good things in store for me, that will surpass what I had to leave behind. The choice I make every day is whether or not to look back with regret at what I used to have, or to look forward with hope at what God has waiting for me. I choose...sometimes with difficulty...to look forward.

I will be very glad to see 2007 come to an end. I realize that the line between 2007 and 2008 is just an imaginary line in the sand, but it does bring a sense of closure to painful times in my life. Along with welcoming a new year comes a welcoming of new possibilities and a chance for restoration and renewal. I choose to welcome 2008 with the belief that God has better things in store for me in the new year. I choose to believe that there is a difference that occurs at midnight of December 31, 2007, and that 12:01 AM of January 1, 2008 does welcome in something fresh and new.

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