Monday, May 30, 2005

Keeping things in perspective

"Everything you want is out there waiting for you to ask. Everything you want also wants you. But you have to take action to get it."
Jules Renard

Friday, May 27, 2005

Turn and face the changes

It's a bit early in the day for blogging, but there are a few things on my mind that I would like to put on virtual paper.

I just returned from my job interview, and I think it went well. They are having another round of interviews next week, after which they will call back the candidates they are most interested in. I fully expect to get a call back.

I was very impressed with the people I met today. They seemed very genuine. Very real. They seemed to have the understanding that we're all people with hang ups, and some have just learned how to cope better than others. Of course, it is much bigger than that, but therein lies the essence of what I would like to be doing.

I was asked why I left my last job, and I shared with them a bit about the different philosophies I had, versus those shared by my supervisor and coworkers. They listened, nodded, and then one of them simply said, "Just to let you know, we are ALWAYS looking for ways to make our program better."

That simple statement gave me some confidence that, if I do get this job, I will be among like minded individuals who absolutely refuse to see people simply as a diagnosis. It will be a wonderfully refreshing change.

All in all, I think things went remarkably well this morning. It is all in God's hands, and we'll see what happens from here. Regardless of the uncertainties, this morning was very encouraging.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Tuning in

It started out as kind of a downer of a day, and remained so for most of the day, well into the evening.

I spent quite a bit of time in bed today, as everything outside of my bed seemed too overwhelming to deal with. I did manage to get up and get a shower, get dressed, and even put on makeup...but went back to bed shortly thereafter.

The feeling of being defeated prevailed through many of my thoughts. I got to thinking of how hard I have worked over the years since being hospitalized. I remember very clearly how many people told me to go get disability benefits, so I wouldn't have to deal with the pressures of work anymore. I remember very clearly calling the Social Security office, asking them not to process my claim, because I was not disabled and wanted to work. And I remember getting my job with community mental health, and working very hard, holding down a full time job for nearly four years, struggling at times but still working, all to get past the stigma of the things from my past.

As I considered these things, I had to wonder...what was all the hard work for? In the end, it did not matter, and the powers that be still saw me as nothing more than a diagnosis. When all was said and done, I might as well have just ridden the disability train to wherever it would take me.

And so were the thoughts that burned in my mind throughout the day.

And then, quite unexpectedly, I received a phone call from my good friend Corbett, whom I had not spoken to in...gosh, well over a year.

He is wonderfully himself, and has a natural ability to bring me back to center in his own crass, irreverant, unpolished way. :) Those are traits I admire, and often wish I had just enough of those traits in me that nobody would feel they have the right to push me around.

He reminded me of why I loved what I did, that I have a passion for doing it, and maybe when all is said and done, perhaps my last job just was not the place that would enable me to do what I have a passion for. He reminded me that I am far from disabled, and have abilities that have surpassed the expectations of those who have labeled me. Of course, Corbett's way of expressing all of this was much more colorful and interesting, but that is the essence of it.

Thank you, Corbett, for helping me tune in to the right radio station today. (And thank you, Pat, for that metaphor).

After talking with Corbett, I was reminded that being given that job was God's doing, and I have to believe that leaving that job is also God's doing. He has a plan here. I've been saying that from the beginning, but it was good to be reminded that it is not just lip service...God really does know what He's doing, and even the crappy times are all part of it.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


I am feeling sad and beaten today. Wondering...what's it all for? Is all the effort really worth it?

Who am I kidding?

Sunday, May 22, 2005

A couple of things

First, conclusions regarding Herbie:

What sparked all of this? A conversation I had with another male friend of mine last week. We talked for nearly an hour, and the whole time, he looked at me, listened to me, responded to me, and was interested in what I had to say. I have not had a conversation like that with a guy in...well, years. At the end of this conversation, I realized that I was walking away feeling like a real person, interesting enough to engage in real conversation about real things, not feeling like I'd just been "felt up" visually, and my dignity had just been sacrificed on the altar of someone else's perception of me.

Moving on...

Lessons learned from playing Mah Jong Quest on

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Signs from above, right on my computer

Just for kicks, I took a test at , entitled "Do you follow your head or your heart?"

Here are my results:

You're an impassioned individual who just can't suppress your ideals. You've got a strong sense of right and wrong, and want to let people know when they've crossed the line. Sure, there are times when you sit back to hear both sides of an argument. But people had better stay out of the way when your fiery passions take hold.

But just because you can be a bit of a rebel with a cause, it doesn't mean you're incapable of being understanding and compassionate. It's because you're so invested in your ideas and interests that you can work so tirelessly toward your goals and speak up for what you believe in. So keep pouring your heart into it. With conviction like yours, you're sure to succeed!

Hmmm...I suppose there are a lot of ways I could take this, but I think it is just more confirmation of what I've believed all along...that leaving my job was the right thing to do. I don't have to seek to fulfill my goals on someone else's terms, borrowing their flawed ethics. What I have in my heart is there because God placed it there, and I do not have to settle for anything less.

Thursday, May 19, 2005


Today brought some very unexpected surprises.

I am still out of a job, and have no prospects there. However, God has provided for me financially, and I now have more than enough money to stay caught up on my bills and stay afloat for awhile until I find work.

The first surprise came in the form of a phone call. I didn't feel like talking on the phone, so I let my voice mail pick it up. Later, when I checked, it turned out to be a message from the general manager of a car dealership with whom I've been feuding for about a year. I returned my car to them last December, and have been fighting for six months to get a refund on my service contract. Nearly a month ago, I got the state attorney general's office involved, but had not heard anything. Well, today, the general manager called, said they had recieved my complaint from the AG's office, and I could come in and sign for my refund.

So, I went in, and I was told they had no idea I had been asking for the refund, yadda yadda yadda...and the end result is, I am getting back the full refund, not being charged for the use of the vehicle for the time I had it. Woohoo!!

That, coupled with my paycheck and vacation pay coming next Friday, will be very helpful.

I also received a letter from the college today regarding my financial aid, and my classes for the fall semester are taken care of.

All in all, a day of unexpectedly wonderful things. It's kind of sad when I am surprised that God is actually true to His word.

I did see Herbie tonight, but we did not talk very much. I can't figure him out. Hot and cold. But that's okay. I've got other things to deal with at the moment.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Final Day!

Today was my last day at my job with community mental health. I left early, using the rest of my personal time, lest they should take that from me as well. I had mixed feelings as I made my rounds, saying my goodbyes. On one hand, I am glad to be moving away from something that has proven to be so toxic to me. On the other hand, there are certainly things that I am sad to be leaving behind. I don't think the reality has really hit me yet.

I encouraged the consumers I feel the closest to, to continue in being strong, in standing up for their rights, in asking questions if they think something might be wrong or there are things in their treatment they aren't sure about. Some of these people have amazed me with the progress they have made since I first met them nearly four years ago. I pray it will continue.

My plans for tomorrow are to drop off yet another application, as well as go to the college and register for the rest of my classes for the fall semester. Baby steps in taking hold of my new life.

Everything seems to look brighter, although few things about my situation have changed. I think that's how it is....first you believe, then you see. God's like that.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Singing and pain

Today was better. Not weepy or painful or self-recriminating (a word I'm not entirely sure I didn't just make up). It seems that the storm has passed for now, and while the skies are not yet clear and blue, they are not nearly so threatening.

They had a little "Goodbye" party for me at work today. It was a sweet gesture, but it was also somewhat maddening in that everyone is acting like I am leaving my job because some wonderful opportunity opened up for me and I am going on to better things. The reality is that things simply got so bad for me at my job that I essentially had no job left, and felt I had no choice but to leave. This is hardly the way I envisioned this job ending.

But, things are what they are, and I am making progress in accepting that. I realize that my coworkers most likely will never understand what I have been through, because they have not had the things perpetrated against them such as I have experienced at the hands of my supervisor. I realize that they probably cannot really understand at all why I have chosen to leave when I have no job lined up and no solid plans for what I'm going to do next. I guess I can't really expect them to understand, all things considered.

I have been putting my thoughts together for what I would like to share in my exit interview. Throughout this process, I have recalled a few small victories I have had in my advocacy for consumers. When I recall those things, I realize, my time at this job was not in vain. Even if I only made a difference in one or two lives, it was a difference that would not have been made if I had not been there.

When I think about walking out of there tomorrow and leaving behind these consumers I have grown to care about, I do feel sad. There is one particular consumer who has come incredibly far in the time I have known them. I asked that person today what they would do when I left, and they responded, "Oh God, I don't even know." That made me sad. I told them they had to be strong, they had to speak up for themselves, and they needed to ask questions if they thought they were not being treated right. I told them that, between us, I had to admit that I would probably miss them most of all, because of all the storms we've weathered together in fighting for their rights. I pray that they will continue to be strong. I guess this is the part where I have to let go, and trust that they will walk forward in all we've learned together over the years.

That is a scary thing...letting go of the ones I have worked with the closest, trusting that once I am not there anymore, they will be able to stand on their own. It is hard to consider the possibility that maybe they are not strong enough for that, and they will allow themselves to be mistreated. I hope my fears are proven needless, and I am wonderfully surprised by these people.

As far as what happens next...I don't know. I am applying for a job at a local factory, just to get by for the summer. In the fall, I have classes I plan to take, though I am wondering how I will do it. I know my limitations, and I know I cannot handle full time work and full time school without going full time over the edge. But, it is in God's very capable hands. He will work out the perfect plan for me, and I still remain very confident that this is all going to turn out much better than I dare even imagine right now.

Thank you to those who have been praying. I am being carried by those prayers right now.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Any given Sunday

It was a very quiet day. I attended the early service this morning, and had to catch a ride with my family, as I had no money for fuel. No nostalgic memories this time...just overall irritation with my situation. There was a Progressive Feast after the second service, which I had planned on attending, but again we get back to the lack of funds. I am just frustrated beyond belief right now. My stress level is fairly well through the roof.

Church this morning was very good, and I enjoyed the message. I saw Herbie briefly, but was at a loss for words, as usual, and looked like a complete idiot.

I came home from church, and slept for about four hours, not feeling like doing much of anything else. I have been eating nonstop lately, as well, so, gosh, I am a model of physical fitness. This is what I do when I am stressed and/or depressed....sleep and eat and wait for it to pass.

During my nap today, I had a horrible dream about my exit interview. In this dream, my supervisor walked in during the interview, had a few "hush hush" conversations with the ones conducting the interview, after which they clearly did not believe anything I was saying, and I walked out of there feeling incredibly stupid for even trying to tell the truth.

I have been searching for jobs, and have filled out a few applications, but have not had any offers yet. It is hard for me to think of leaving a job in a field I really do love, to do something like retail or anything of that nature. I have an interest in helping people, not raising revenue for the corporate monster. Then again, I guess no matter what field you are in, you do help people, whether it's intentional or not. For better or for worse, every contact we have with someone makes a difference in their day. It's up to us, whether we help or hurt.

Or at least this is what I keep telling myself. I am really walking into the unknown here. The last time I was out of work was shortly after getting out of the hospital, and I was out of work for 8 months. That was a horrible 8 months. I remember having no food in the house, having no money to even buy things like maxi pads, and having to just accept that I was not going to be able to keep up on my bills, thus my credit was slaughtered. I had asked Social Security not to process my claim for disability benefits, as I did not want to wear that label, and being a single woman, was not able to get any help from any other source. Yep, it was fun. Fortunately, I had a lot of help from my parents in getting some of the basic things I needed. I just do not want to be dependent on them again.

I am going to be looking into returning the Jeep I got in March, lest I should fall behind on payments and have it repossessed. I would rather give it up on my own than have them take it from me, and I do have my trusty old Blazer to drive. I really love my Jeep, and the thought of losing it is sad, but I can't afford another hit on my credit. I am not even sure what the process would be to return it, but that information is only one phone call away.

I think the most frustrating part of this is that so much of what is happening will give my supervisor the satisfaction of being right. And having to drive my Blazer instead of my Jeep is among the worst of it, because she had told my coworkers what a dumb move it was for me to get that Jeep in the first place, and so forth. It's all a matter of pride, and I realize that, but I freely admit to being very prideful at times. (And yes, I do know what the Bible has to say about comes before destruction.)

I know that in the long run, things are probably going to turn out better than I even dare imagine right now. But, for the moment, this whole thing really stinks.


"The world is a dangerous place. Not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." -Albert Einstein

This is a very inspiring quote, in light of the things I am facing at work. What has been done to me there, and what is continually perpetuated against the consumers of the program, is nothing short of evil in my eyes. When the weak are silenced, and those who speak for them are persecuted, there is evil at work.

I must keep this in mind during my 2 remaining work days, and during my exit interview. I must have courage, and pray that the truth will surface.

Throughout my work day yesterday, I was repeatedly struck with the sadness of the situation. I am sad to be leaving my job, and sad for what it means for the consumers I am leaving behind. I am sad when I consider all the time and energy and passion I've put in to my job, only to have it end on this note, with still no explanation to me regarding the whys and wherefores of the changes that have taken place in my work duties.

I feel sad when I think of how hard I worked to get my life back together after my world collapsed in 1999, and how this job helped me do that. It is sad and sickening to me that, after all that, I have to walk away with nothing but a knife in my back. I am praying for understanding, and more than that, that I will not harbor any bitterness or a thirst for vengence. I want justice, but the vengence part is not mine.

It does put things in perspective, though, in this big corporate world we live in. When all is said and done, it all comes down to a resignation letter, after which, you might as well have never been there.

Saturday, May 14, 2005


This is the last Friday I will ever work at my current job, and I have to say, it is a good feeling. I am a little frightened about what the future holds, but things are looking up. I have a few leads on legal options, a couple of job leads, and the offer to room with a friend still stands. All in all, not bad, for a girl who up and quit a good job with no prospects on what to do next. God is good, all the time...even when I can't see it.

This evening, I watched "The Cross and the Switchblade" with my parents. I've seen that movie so many times, but I enjoyed watching it again, if for no other reason than the nostalgia. I was taken back 25 years, and I was sitting in "the old sanctuary" of the church of my childhood, watching the story of the rebirth of a young man play out before me. I could feel the cold, hard wooden theatre seats, I could see so clearly the beige carpet lining the outer aisles, and yellowish glazed windows, four on each side of the sanctuary, the setting sun peeking through the blinds that had been drawn to provide an optimal movie viewing atmosphere. I remember very clearly walking down those beige aisles one Sunday morning, and somehow having my gum end up on the carpet. I recall something about being told that I was not to be chewing gum during church. Beyond that, I don't recall much of that incident, but I'm sure it involved my mother taking me to the women's bathroom for what she referred to as "an event", which typically including a good scolding and a few swats on the behind if necessary. My brother was often treated to more "events" than I was. :)

A few years later, when the new addition was built on to the church, "the old sanctuary" became Children's Church. Still, many of my memories of that small pocket of the church building are dominated by watching my dad play a soldier in Easter plays, or hearing him sing "People Need the Lord", or trying oh so hard to sit still on any given Sunday morning, wondering what my baby sister was doing in the nursery and could I please go join her? I think of ruffly yellow dresses and patent leather shoes when I recall that part of the church. I still dream about it from time to time.

Anyway, as I watched that movie tonight, I longed for the simplicity of faith that I had 25 years ago. I believed it just because God said it, and God is bigger than anybody, so He gets to be in charge. As I considered my life these days, and how I so often struggle with the doubts, all the "what ifs", I felt a sting of sadness in my heart, as though it were longing for something that was just out of its reach. When did faith become so complicated? When did my heart learn to fear?

God's grace is sufficient, though. He loves us even in our fumbling, clumsy faith. I don't recall God asking us to have perfect faith...only to have faith, period. And if my own stumbling, fumbling walk with Christ can help another person accept the beauty and wonder of their own fumbling faith, then God has used me wonderfully. I can stop trying to be perfect...Nobody can relate to that.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

5 days left

It was an interesting day. I received a bouquet of flowers from my supervisor today, which I found odd, being that last week I was not even worthy of talking to. The card read, "Congratulations! Best of luck on your future endeavors!" Hmmm....I'm not sure what I'm being congratulated for, as I have been pushed out of my job. Maybe, congratulations on finally taking the hint? Congratulations on finally reading between the lines? I'm not sure.

Anyway, the flowers are pretty, nonetheless. I shall attempt to take this gesture at face value, and not read anything into it.

It was a fairly good day at work, but a couple of events reminded me very clearly of why I am leaving. I will spare the reader the details, but will simply say that I was once again shown that anything requiring extra effort, even it is for the betterment of our program, is absolutely and unequivocally out of the question for my fellow staff members. Even if it can be done within the same 8 hour day, if it is above, beyond, or outside of the typical work requirement, it is not something to be considered. This I find very sad, but it is a clear demonstration of how I just do not jive with my coworkers.

Several clients expressed to me today how sorry they are to see me leaving. That was hard to take. I am sorry to be leaving, too, but I do not have a choice. I spent a bit of time today trying to hold back tears as I carried on through my work day. However, my Irish was up, and I would not give my supervisor the satisfaction of knowing how deeply this is effecting me. It is my intention to walk out of there on my last day, head held high, dignity and self-respect in tact.

It's all good, though. I am holding on to that. Our circumstances one at a time may be hell to go through, but God promises to work them all together for our good. And I am learning that my version of what is for my good, and God's version of what is for my good, are two strikingly different things from time to time. :)

I did register for a class yesterday at the college. I am going to be going back to register for a couple more, but I wanted to be sure to get into the ASL class this fall. I am very eager to begin a new chapter in my life, exploring new possibilities for my future.

I also turned in my resume to a community mental health agency in the next county over, who is hiring for the same position I will be leaving at my current job. It is only a part time job, but it does keep my foot in the door of the mental health field. Hearing about this job opening was a tremendous blessing, and gave me a glimmer of hope that I don't have put aside the things I am passionate about in order to move on to the next thing in my life. Maybe this is a way God is going to allow me to stay with something I love, while still exploring something new. Or maybe not. God has His own plans.

The truth of the matter is, I am scared. I do not know what lies ahead, and that has me rattled inside. How will I make my car payments? How will I even pay for insurance? How will I even be able to afford gas to get to a job if I do find one? How....???? And yet, there are moments of peace, knowing that God saw all of this coming, and if I walk steadily forward, eyes on Him, I can walk on water.

There is nothing about this situation that indicates I am in any way safe or secure. There is nothing to give me confidence in the temporal things. If I look only at these things, I will surely sink. But focusing on Jesus, day by day, one step at a time, I will get to where He is leading me. And if I stumble along the way, floundering in my own fears, all the more opportunity to understand His amazing grace.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Labor Pains

I spent a lot of time outside with my family today. My sister was busy gardening, my father was busy washing the car and making a game out of spraying everybody with the water, and my mom and niece were busy doing what grandmothers and granddaughters do. I spent a lot of time relaxing on the swing in my mom's garden, reading my book, soaking up the sun, enjoy the peaceful afternoon. It was a wonderful break from the stress I've been dealing with.

It is always fun to watch my mom and dad interact with my niece. Today, my mom had her in the swing that my dad put up for her a couple of weeks ago--a cute little baby swing, with a seatbelt and handles and bright colors. As my mom was gently pushing her on the swing, she was singing to her..."Heidi, come out and play with me, and bring your dollies three, climb up my apple tree..." For a moment, I saw what my mom must have been like as a young mother, enjoying every wonderful moment with her babies, realizing and yet perhaps not really understanding how quickly those babies would grow up. Now, she is enjoying every wonderful moment with her youngest daughter's baby. How time goes by...

I also enjoy watching my dad interact with my niece, although we do have to watch him much more carefully. I believe that each of us, my siblings and I, have nearly died at least once while in his It is for this reason that my niece, as much as she loves her Poppa, is rarely left with him for too long without appropriate interventions. "Dad, she shouldn't be putting that in her mouth"..."Dad, she probably shouldn't be playing with that,"...."Dad, what is she eating?"....and so forth. My mother assures me what we see when he is with my niece is exactly what he was like when we were babies. I have to say, when he is with Heidi, my dad really does seem about 30 years younger, and amazed by everything she does.

Growing up, and even now, I have strong disagreements with my parents about things. I have learned to handle the disagreements better over the years, and realize that disagreeing with my parents does not mean I have to fight with them to see my point of view. It simply means we disagree.

But watching them with my niece, I realize that even though there are clearly things we do not see eye to eye on, my parents provided all of us kids with a tremendous amount of love, and a foundation of faith. There is almost nothing I enjoy more than seeing my dad pray over my niece before she leaves to visit with her dad. It is such an awesome testimony of love and faith, and what I believe is truly intended in God making man the head of the household...not something to be lorded over the women of the house, but a divine commission to provide that home with spiritual leadership, a foundation of faith, and an atmosphere of love. Thank God for Heidi, who has helped me see more clearly.

It has been a bittersweet day, though, because the realities of my situation at work are beginning to sink in. I am beginning to feel the sting of the brutality of the "attack" on me, and I'm beginning to realize the full scope of how viscious it continues to be. I am treading water right now, struggling to stay above the sadness and disappointment, as well as the worry of having no idea what I am going to do next, how the bills will be paid, or where I should live. There are so many things I do not know, and that has really hit me hard the last couple of days.

But, I am holding on to the belief that God is moving me on to something better. I don't know what His plan is in all of this, but I know He has one. Right now, I am truly walking by faith, not by sight, because I can hardly see ahead to tomorrow. I believe God is birthing something new in my life, and this is all part of the labor pains.

It is funny, how quickly you realize your utter loss of control in times like this. I am definitely feeling the weight of my financial mistakes right now, and I realize I have no control over the repercussions of that. I'm just doing what I can, praying I can get by. I have no control over my situation at work, and I cannot snap my fingers and make a good job appear before me. I have no control over...any of my circumstances right now. There is nothing quite like the feeling of flying through life by the seat of your pants, hoping you don't fall.

"Hold me, Jesus, I'm shakin' like a leaf..."

Friday, May 06, 2005


Day 3 since resignation:

My supervisor finally deemed me worthy of speaking to, after two days of completely ignoring my existence. She did not say much, but at least was decent in what little conversation she did have with me. The operative term being "conversation she did have with ME"...the things said when I was not present are of a different nature entirely, so I am told.

I have only 7 more work days to get through, for which I am thankful. It is dwindling down, and I will be very glad to leave those stressors behind. However, several clients have expressed how sorry they are to see that I am leaving, and that has been hard. The clients are not the problem. I very much enjoy that aspect of my job. It is the cattle-excrement factor of the beauracracy that I cannot deal with. Cannot and will not. I refuse to provide substandard services to an individual simply because providing adequate and appropriate care might mean more work and ruffling a few feathers. I refuse to participate in an environment that is not conducive to recovery and wellness, and does not facilitate autonomy for a capable individual that just hit a few bumps in the road.

I am feeling a bit sad, because I really do believe strongly in the philosophy behind the program I am working in. I just do not like how our particular program is functioning, and that any effort to raise the standard a bit is consistently met with resistence from the very people who should be the ones raising the standard. I do enjoy working in the field of mental health, and I do very much enjoy being involved in the type of work I've been doing. The idea of leaving the field completly has me very sad, but without a degree, there are not many job opportunities available to me in this field. Good incentive to work toward a degree, but a bit discouraging for the moment.

However, maybe a break from the field and a breather after this situation settles will help me refocus and become more decisive about which direction I want to pursue.

As far as my living situation goes, I have concluded that, like it or not, probably the best thing to do for now is stay where I am, save a bit of money by working locally and travelling less to get to work, and moving closer to my original target date. To move right now would be adding stress to an already heavy stress load, not to mention increasing my financial burden by adding the burden of rent. So, unless God provides some funding to make the move sooner rather than later, I think the best thing is to just sit tight for awhile.

But, as I've learned recently, things can change very fast. Tomorrow could bring a whole different perspective.

Nothing lately has turned out at all as I'd hoped or expected. Altogether different, in fact. However, God does promise us beauty for ashes. I have to hold on to that.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

A Tension

I turned in my resignation yesterday. I am at the point where I do not feel I have a choice. My job duties have been chipped away to the point where I have a job in title only, and I strongly believe it would only be a matter of time before my job were completely eliminated. Therefore, my resignation is a sort of preemptive strike against being fired.

My supervisor spoke all of one sentence to me today, and that was to tell me that there was no reason for myself and another staff to be visiting another clubhouse today, as only one consumer was interested in going. Beyond that, she said nothing to me all day, and made a display of carrying out my job duties as though I was not even there.

I have contacted her supervisor to discuss my situation and my concerns for my work site, but I am not sure anything will come of it. We shall see.

I am very glad this day is over. Only 9 more work days to muddle through.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Putting my thoughts to bed

It has been a day of unexpected changes, riled emotions, and bittersweet conclusions.

A lot happened with work over the weekend, and culminated today in the realization that things are not going to get better. If anything, they are getting progressively worse, and my job is on the line.

A phone call to the payroll office this morning told me that I will not be vested in the company until October 30. It was hard enough to anticipate waiting until mid-July to turn in my resignation, but waiting until the end of October is out of the question. For the sake of maintaining my sanity and my integrity, I knew I could not wait that long.

However, what was I to do? How long was I to wait until I turned in my resignation, knowing I could not hold out until October?

The answers came soon enough. Through a series of events, and many phone calls, it became evident that my time at my job was growing shorter, and it was not by my choice. I am now at a point of turning in my resignation before I actually get fired.

This is all coming about a lot sooner than I had anticipated. God is moving me on, but I have no idea to what.

Jobs where I live are few and far between, and I will need to move if I am to find suitable employment. In order to move, one needs money, and I do not have enough money to even consider moving. I was relying very heavily on being vested in July. I will not have enough money to move, short of a miracle. I have no idea where that money would come from. Yet, as I type this, the thought occurs to me that I am glad coming up with this money isn't my problem.

I have typed up a resignation letter, which I intend to give to my supervisor at the end of the day tomorrow. It is a very civil, rather nice letter, indicating nothing of the anger and contempt I feel right now. I am praying that God will enable me to walk out of their with some dignity.

God has a way of shutting doors that is very unexpected, even jarring. I have experienced this many times in my life, both because of my stubborn will to move forward even after God has said "no", and my knack for making incredibly poor decisions and moving too hastily. In all of my stubborn haste, I have seen it happen many times when God just slams a door right in my face, as if to say, "I already said no. Why did you keep going forward?"

And so I think it is with my job. I have known for a couple of weeks that my time at my job was coming to an end, because God was moving me onward. God knew it would be hard for me to leave, because of the timing of things, so He is making it a bit easier for me to go. He is shutting this door tight, and I cannot open it again.

But, just as I have seen many doors shut, I have also seen many doors opened. (By the way, I've always thought that saying "Whenever God shuts a door, He opens a window" was kinda stupid...Why would God give you a window if you need to walk through a door?) I have never seen a time in my life when God did not make provision. Certainly, I have experienced times of hardship as a consequence of my own actions, but even in that, He always gave me what I needed.

I need to recall those times. Remember what He has done for me in the past, and will do for me in the future. "Never have I seen the righteous forsaken..."

God has a plan.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Can't sleep

Here it is, going on 5 a.m., and I cannot sleep. I have not slept soundly all night, and finally surrendered to my insomnia and got out of bed. No use to perpetuating the charade.

I have been reading through other people's blogs, and feeling just a bit of envy as I do. There are some people on Blogspot who have very interesting lives. Far more interesting than mine. People living in interesting places, having interesting adventures, meeting interesting people. They have jobs worth writing about, hobbies that other people want to read about, and so forth.

And then, there's me. My life is not interesting. I have not done anything interesting in a very long time. My life is boring. I am boring.

Then again, if the people with the interesting lives still have time to maintain a blog, complete with pictures, music, do have to wonder how interesting their lives really can be. About as interesting as mine, I'd say. I live for blogging.

Minimizing other people's contributions always makes me feel better. If I can take just one spring out of their step, I have accomplished something.

Sadly, there are times when I really feel that way, and make very subtle but effective efforts to act on that feeling.

I find that I do this a lot with my coworker. She is working on her bachelors degree in human services, and on some level, this bothers me more than I can say. Perhaps because it demonstrates only more clearly that I haven't done squat with my life.

She and I do the same job, which does not require a degree. However, it has been her arrival on the scene that must be credited with much of the progress made with the consumers. I know this, and it drives me crazy. Because it drives me crazy, whenever she shares with me an idea she has or something she accomplished while I was not there, I completely minimize my reaction to her, lest she actually think she accomplished something worthwhile.

Is that not incredibly petty? What is it that keeps me from sharing in the joy of the moment? Jealousy and an inferiority complex would be my guess.

Darn Blogspot anyway. I was having a freaking wonderful night until I began reading about other people's lives. Now I realize that I am boring, jealous, and petty. Sheesh! I'm going back to bed.

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