Garden Variety Neurosis

Kurt Vonnegut was...is...one of my literary heroes. I deeply admire his ability to challenge me to see from another perspective. A perspective that is not only different from mine, but one that challenges mine to its very core. The first Vonnegut I ever read was "Harrison Bergeron", and I never forgot it. His work provided a wonderful backdrop to my early twenties, and served as inspiration for some of my own feeble works.

Thank you, Kurt.

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A couple of weeks ago, Harold and I went to see the movie "Premonition". The movie itself was mediocre at best, although the company was supremely wonderful. However, even with such a mediocre movie, I did gain some insight that I'd like to share.

In the movie, Sandra Bullock's character experiences a premonition of her husband's tragic death. After a strange series of events, she realizes that time is not operating on a continuum, and she is able to alter the events leading to his death. With this empowering realization, she puts into motion a chain of events that will surely thwart the impending death of her husband, and change the outcome of the story.

Frantically, she begins putting together the pieces of the bizarre puzzle, changing what she can, undoing the future she has seen. Finally the moment comes when she believes she holds the power to rescue her husband from the horrific car accident that claims his life. In fact, as the plot unfolds, it is her very actions that place him in harm's way, and ultimately cost him his life. Helplessly, she looks on as she sees the horrific scene play out, and her efforts to prevent it end in terrible tragedy. Her very efforts at damage control were the thing that cost her the thing she loved dearest in all the world.

I wonder how often I do this in my own life. I see a glimpse of a future that is frightening, beyond my control, exploding in all-consuming flames of the unknown. I see this, and I go into a frenzied mode of doing damage control. I begin making decisions, putting plans in motion, doing all I can do to avoid the doomed future I saw as my fears took over. As my plans begin to unfold, and ultimately unravel, I stand helplessly and watch as the very things I try to avoid become my waking nightmare.

I am certain that I am not the only one who does this. I think we are all consumed by our fears now and then, whether it is in the small, day-to-day grind of life, or the bigger things that we are convinced will ultimately derail the course of our lives.

One interesting point was made in the movie...Sandra Bullock's character asked her priest why she was given that premonition. The priest told her that such premonitions often came to those who lacked faith, who had no belief in something greater than themselves who ultimately held their destiny, no hope in what they could not see.

Interesting...

I cannot sleep. I have been trying to sleep for a few hours now, and sleep just will not come to me. So, I thought I would get up and take some time to write about the wonderful man God has given to me.

I love this picture. It is just a random shot, capturing a beautiful moment. Harold and I were taking a walk by the bay in Petoskey, and it was a particularly cold and windy day. As a cold gust of wind swept over us, I snuggled up to Harold for warmth and shelter. He pulled me close, shielding me from the wind, and snapped a picture of the moment. I love this picture, because it shows his heart toward me. He is very nurturing and protective of me, and does so in a way that does not patronize or diminish me as a person. He cares for me in such a way that he lifts me to a place of honor. This is something I have never had in a relationship before.

When I think of Harold and all that our relationship has brought to my life, I cannot help comparing it to relationships I have had in the past. I look at those relationships, and I remember feeling anything but honored and cherished. I remember feeling used. I remember feeling like an object. I remember feeling dispensable. I remember feeling that I was exposed to pain rather than protected from it. I remember feeling cheapened. I do not remember feeling loved for who I was, but rather loved for who it was the man I was with thought I could become if only I would try hard enough. And if I became that person, perhaps then I would be deemed worthy of his love, and he would then keep his promises to me.

With Harold, I am loved just as I am. He asks me to be nothing but what I am, and the growth I have experienced as a person since being with him has been born out of the natural progression of things. Iron sharpening iron. We both challenge each other in all the right ways. We love each other just as we are, yet we cannot help but grow together as our relationship grows. Harold not only loves me as I am, but celebrates me, as I also celebrate him. All of this is difficult to put into words at 3 a.m., but believe me when I tell you that there is a night and day difference between what I have with Harold, and anything I have ever had before.

Harold and I first "met" last November, and our seperate paths took us in different directions. Eventually, our paths converged once more, and we knew that we were not going to veer off course again. I let the gift of Harold slip through my fingers once, and I am so incredibly thankful that God saw to it that we had another chance. We have been given an amazing gift, and we realize this ever more so with each moment we have together. Whether those moments are filled with deep discussions of spiritual matters, or discussion of the merits of pork rinds while watching a muted WWE Raw, our moments together are nothing less than wonderful. Mutual adoration and celebration of all that God has made us to be, and all we have together.

I have been through some pretty bad relationships. I am thankful for them, though, because they have taught me to appreciate what I have with Harold. I am thankful for the broken roads that lead me to him. I see God's grace in this, and I am exceedingly thankful.

Okay, now I'm just getting gushy....