Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Tell me if you've already heard this one...
And so it has been with me, for as long as I can remember. I do not recall any time in my life where I've been able to think, "You know, I'm really not half bad. I'm actually pretty good at this thing I've set my mind to doing. I'm adequate, I'm able...I feel like a real, worthwhile human being."
Of course, I suppose only characters in bad novels actually self-talk like that, but you get what I mean. I don't recall ever once, even for a fleeting moment, feeling the security blanket of confidence wrapped around me, keeping me safe, keeping me impervious to the monsters hiding in the closet.
I have often wondered what it would feel like to really feel that confident. And then I think, despite all the hype about the importance of confidence, I wonder how many people actually possess that quality? That singular characteristic that surpasses all others and makes them capable of doing nearly anything? I do not know of many truly confident people.
This is the part where, as a Christian, I am supposed to talk about how my relationship with Christ weighs in on this crisis of confidence. I am supposed to talk about the joy I feel in knowing my worth in Christ, and that I am of immeasurable value to the Creator of the universe. I am supposed to mention, at least briefly, that I am victorious over this ongoing struggle to be, simply because of my belief in Christ. And, in a rather distant, abstract sense, I do believe all of those things. A part of me knows they are true. Yet I cannot seem to bring those truths to my day to day struggle for a justified existence. They are words in a book, a thought, the stuff of someone else's experience.
So here I sit tonight, feeling stupid and inadequate, wanting to crawl into a hole and remain there until I somehow disappear altogether, or am forgotten and can start over again with no reminders of past failures in the faces of those who know me.
I realize it is unlikely I would ever be able to disappear, although I do often daydream about packing up my things, moving some place where nobody knows me, and just starting over again somehow. But I suppose that sort of thing only works in fiction. Your past always catches up with you, and runs up behind you to kick you in the arse when you least expect it.
It is on nights like this when I feel especially inadequate that I wish I still had a problem with alcoholism.
It's a slam to the soul to feel inadequate for feeling inadequate. We put expectations on ourselves for happiness as we imagine others have it, and kick ourselves for our lack of it. Ultimately, at the core of it, I think it has to do with a sense of helpness, a need for control. Or, at least I see that in me.
I'm far from having it all together, but as I grow through experiences and cling like mad to God, I'm learning to accept God's mercy for me, and to see myself with different "Eyes."
I'm glad you wrote this. Thanks for your honesty.
For better or worse, I've always been very in touch with my feelings, and have always felt the need to express them honestly...good, bad, or ugly. My primary choice for self-expression is through writing, and I have filled many journals over the years. :)
I appreciate your insight regarding the core of the feelings of inadequacy...I had never really thought of it as a need for control, but I can see how it could be that. Something to mull over in my skull, anyway. :)
Thank you for reading.
On a happier note, I really, really like your blog!
We are all so incredibly self-destructive at times.
You like my blog? Aw shucks! Thank you!!
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