Monday, April 25, 2005
Back in the saddle again
I continued to mull over Herbie. A friend of mine came up with a scheme...I mean, idea...for how Herbie and I may connect. I am already very uncomfortable with it. It is a good idea, but it is not in the least bit how I envisioned anything may come about between us.
Actually, I feel like I am in high school. This is so very much not how I wanted this to come down. I imagined mature, direct, honest approaches, and instead....Well, read on.
The premise was to ask Herbie and his friend on a double non-date with my friend and me. My friend is chaperoning a dance, and I'm supposed to just happen to be there (because I apparently enjoy hanging out at middle school dances for no good reason), and we would like the company of Herbie and his friend. This is SO not my style, and yet I went along with it...*sigh*.It is funny how much effort we put into the question of how to ask for the non-date. Unable to muster the courage to ask Herbie himself about this non-date, I explained my situation to his friend, and he assured me he would talk to Herbie about it.
Oh my goodness, I cannot believe I have done this. For the last 9 months, I have been so cool and collected regarding Herbie, not letting on to anyone that I have anything but the most platonic feelings for him. And now, all at once, it is out there. I have done the very thing I said I would not do, and that is...make the first move.
Since my last relationship, which ended about a year and a half ago, I have been of the opinion that men need to be the ones to initiate any kind of relationship beyond friendship...whether that means a simple date, or actually redefining the relationship. I have been very good about abiding by this rule, until now. In one fell swoop, I have made myself incredibly vulnerable, and broken my own rule.
I am hopeful that Herbie will realize the risk it took for me to do that, even if it was via his roommate. Even an indirect approach is an approach nonetheless.
I am sure I will find out soon enough, whatever Herbie's reaction will be. I fear all out rejection, but more than that, I fear compromising a good friendship. Oy! What did I do??
I need to drink less coffee, by the way. Perhaps my nerves would not seem nearly so frayed if I didn't have 500 cc of caffiene coursing through them. ha!
Perhaps there is some significance to the 9 month time frame, in all things. Nine months is the gestational period for human beings...in 9 months, you can grow and give birth to a brand new little person. Perhaps 9 months is something of an emotional gestational period as well, after which time you can no longer bottle up emotions, positive or negative, and you have to birth them in whatever form they're in.
Heck if I know. I'll never figure this stuff out.
In other news...
I did go to an Oasis get-together on Saturday, and that was a lot of fun. Of particular interest was the community in which the event took place, because it is the community I will be living in by the end of this summer, Lord willing. My friend and I have scheduled a day in a couple of weeks to go look at houses, and I am looking forward to that. It will be the first real step I've taken toward this new life I'm working toward.
I continue to receive various confirmations that I am making the right choice to move out and move on. I continue to struggle with my job, having learned of some very upsetting things over the weekend that tell me loud and clear that I need to shake the dust of that place off my feet and move on. 13 more weeks....
I found out today that the senior pastor at my church actually knows who I am. This came as a surprise to me, because I often feel very anonymous at church, except among the Oasis crowd. I felt a sense of comfort in realizing that I am not so anonymous...Although, I am not entirely sure WHY the senior pastor knows who I am, and it may turn out that it is nothing to be comforted by. hmmm....Really, though, for the first time in years, I feel like I am part of something, like I belong there. I don't feel like a spiritual orphan anymore. I have a family.
And with that, I'll sign off for tonight.
About Herbie, what are the odds that he will read your blog??
If only he would, he would understand me SOOOO much better in all of this. lol
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