Wednesday, April 06, 2005
I think what is frustrating me so much about what's going on in my life right now is that I have very little control over it. Almost no control. Certainly there are things I can do to plan toward the future, but at this moment, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change my situation. And, an even harder truth to swallow is that my current situation is the result of a long line of poor choices that now I must face the consequences of. I am not saying that to kick my own arse, I am saying it because it is a simple fact.
I cannot pack up and move. Why is that? Because I spend money like it's going out of style, I have had no discipline in my finances, and have saved no money to do things like...move into a place closer to where I live most of my life. I can get as mad as I want to at the powers that be, but what it comes down to is that it's nobody's fault but mine.
Having this realization, bitter though it is, has helped me to set some goals for the future. My plan is to have enough money to move by the end of the summer. This will get me closer to school (yes, I am STILL planning on doing that), closer to church and my friends there, and closer to job opportunities that I do not have where I am right now.
This in turn may help with the situation at work. I have come to the very clear realization that I cannot continue in this field, at least not in the capacity that I've been operating. There are things about working as I have been that go against the grain of my nature and my beliefs regarding what people in the "helping professions" should be doing. I cannot change the system, but I can change what part I have in it. For those who are happy with the mental health system as it is now, for those who think it is working...well, I cannot say I agree, but I will not discount the work they are doing. I only know that, for myself, I want to be involved in a more proactive way of providing treatment and recovery. There are not many opportunities for that where I am currently living, with or without a degree.
Above and beyond all of that, it is the prayer of my heart that God will help me to not only be content where I am right now, but to thrive where I am right now. I am thankful for these few days of struggling and despair, as they have helped me to see some truths I very much needed to see. Once all my kicking, screaming, and whining was over, it was as if God was saying, "Now that you're finished, let me show you something." I love that about God...He lets us go our way and do what we think is right, let's us think it's all about us for awhile, then, when we've stopped long enough to actually hear Him, He ever so gently and without shame shows us a better way. If only we could learn to be so merciful to ourselves. And others.
I think you have a good plan. Perhaps you'll be hands on in treatment, and also in teaching. You're a good communicator. God may have you help to shape the delivery of treatment in others - who knows?
I'll pray for you when I walk. :0)
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