Sunday, April 10, 2005
Flat Diet Coke
I was sitting in church, and there was a couple sitting in front of me. Not too unusual. The young lady reminded me very much of myself, though, a few years ago. Very heavy, seemed very needy, clinging to her boyfriend as though he were there not to offer her love and companionship, but to save her very life. She was a pretty girl, well groomed, beautiful hair, seemed very sweet in the brief moments I talked to her...but I couldn't help remembering what I was like during that time in my life...I felt so horrible inside, so disgusting and worthless, and the guys I dated knew it. Her boyfriend put his arm around her and kissed her on her head, and all I could think was, "I hope he loves her as much as she thinks he does."
Of course, I should not assume that all severely overweight people are as miserable and disgusted with themselves as I was. I only know from my own experiences that being a girl and being that overweight makes one far more susceptible to attracting the scum of the earth than a woman of normal weight and proportionate self-esteem.
And yet, I felt a sudden sense of loneliness as I watched them. Whether it was real or not, they did seem genuinely happy together. And I felt a sting in my heart as I looked at the empty seat beside me.
The rest of the service was very good, and I am interested to see how Pastor Dave's new series of teachings develops. It sounds very promising.
I came home and took a nap, and had dreams about being lonely. I even woke up crying at one point (It was a very long nap...I am just exhausted lately). I hate when I feel like this. I hate it. Most of the time, I am more than content to be by myself, with nobody to consider in my planning and plotting for the future, nobody to share the remote control with, and nobody to have to ask to PLEASE remember not to leave the seat up in the bathroom...But today, for some reason, all these feelings of loneliness and longing bubbled to the surface, and I've been dealing with them all day.
Later in the day, my sister informed me that my mom had received a call from her brother, telling her that one of her other brother's is a drug addict. It didn't come as too much of a shock, and yet, it is still strangely surprising. I think it is surprising only in that, because I do not live close to my extended family, I am able to convince myself that there is no problem with substance abuse of any kind, and everyone is living a clean life even if they are misguided on things from time to time, and nobody has any really serious problems. Today's news just blew that right out of the water. I mean, this is the kind of stuff you only think about happening in other families. Families that have REAL problems.
The issues of substance abuse have not effected my immediate family too much, although my brother and I clearly have the propensity to become alcoholics at the drop of a hat. My mother still has lingering effects from her own mother's alcoholism, though she managed to escape even the temptation to actually abuse any substance. My mother and I have certainly had our share of difficulties, and we've learned to shut the door altogether on certain areas of discussion, but given her upbringing, I would have to say she's done pretty well. There are certainly more than a few things I plan to do differently if I ever have my own family, but it is to my mom's credit that she was even able to raise a family and help provide a stable home, all things considered.
I am really not sure where I was going with that, other than to acknowledge that my family does have a history of substance abuse, directly or indirectly, and it has had far reaching effects. And I guess today's news seems to bring that reality back into the forefront.
I've had days like that too, when I couldn't shake loneliness. When I suddenly felt conspicuous, the lone girl about to explode or something. Or worse yet, when I would see couples who appeared happy and my first feeling was anger or disgust, and I hated myself for it. The trick for me was riding it out without giving in to guilt, which isn't easy when you proclaim a God who meets your every need.
Yeah, and families are interesting. We don't recognize our own crap at first glance, because it's normal to us.
Sleep well, Marlo Thomas. :0)
Goodnight, Pat :)
Have a great day
You have gained a brilliant new perspective. Keep writing about it.
have a groovy day, luv.
I think the world we live in creates addicts, because we live in a world of instant gratification. Nobody has to wait for anything anymore, and we're all just a few signatures away from having access to every material thing we could hope for, "regardless of credit history". Yeppers...our society is just one big pool of junkies, of one sort or another. :)
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