Thursday, April 21, 2005

"A night without armor" (Thanks, Jewel!)

It has been a good day...the quiet, fairly uneventful kind that I have come to appreciate.

There was Oasis tonight, as always, and I once again saw the guy I shall dub Herbie (cool, huh?)...the one who makes my heart sing and weep at the same time, just a little.

If you would rather not hear about it, I understand, and you should skip this post immediately. However, I need to get these things out, so here I go...

I do so much hate having these feelings. They create in me a vulnerability that I do not enjoy having. I have worked for a long time on building walls around my heart that make me impervious to such ridiculous things as romance and crushes and what have you, and then along comes Herbie, and all of that goes out the window. All of my hard work, for nothing. He has disarmed me.

It is funny, what this disarmament has done to my vocabulary. When he and I are in a group, we converse just fine, bantering back and forth and having a wonderful time merely conversing. However, when it is just the two of us, I sound like such a friggin' IDIOT! I am hardly able to get a full sentence out without sounding like complete moron. I have been told I have an exemplary vocabulary, but you would hardly know it if you listened to my attempts at conversing with him solo.

And yet I wonder why...After all, it's only Herbie. Herbie, on whom I have had a mad crush since I first met him last July, which has only grown all the more mad since I've gotten to know him better. Still, it's only Herbie.

And now what? This isn't junior high, so I cannot very well pass him a note that says, "Do you like me? Check 'Yes' or 'No'," followed by the inevitable "Do you LIKE like me, or just like me?" or, "Fine, I don't like you either!"

And it isn't high school, so I cannot very well have one of my friends talk to one of his friends and find out if he likes me, likes likes me, or only likes my personality but would never date me. (By the way, that's code talk for, "I think you're too ugly." )

Anyway, sometimes this whole "acting like a grown up" gig is just not my thing. Especially in situations where acting like a grown up means being vulnerable.

I have no intention of sharing my feelings with Herbie...No way, that is far too risky. I came dangerously close to telling one of his friends about this weirdness, but thought better of it, and am glad I decided not to share this just yet. I don't know how guys are, but I know that with women, something like that would very likely be kept "secret" for a few brief hours, until the object of affection can be properly notified.

I also don't want any relationship beyond friendship that Herbie and I may have to be the product of prodding by friends. If Herbie expresses any interest in me, I would like to know that he is doing it of his own volition, not in response to what he heard through the grapevine.

WHY IS THIS STUFF SO FRIGGIN' COMPLICATED? Does it need to be? Do we impose this weirdness on ourselves, or is this the dance we have to do before true feelings can finally surface?

I am not sure what to do, so I'll do nothing other than continue with the friendship that I have come to value greatly, even if I do act like a moron when he's around. I just wish I knew how to let myself be at ease with him.

I think part of this weirdness may also be that I am not used to having guys in my life who are interested in me beyond sex. Most of the men I've known in my life are complete swine, and it is a new thing to get to know the guys from brothers in Christ...on a level that has nothing to do with sex. It is strange to be accepted, respected, spoken to and treated like a person, not an object to be used then tossed aside. And, as with any new thing, it is something that I have to get used to. This is, in many ways, a very new way of interacting with the opposite gender. I've had male friends before, but none that I've spent time with week after week after week while still maintaining the appropriate boundaries, not seeking validation from them by turning myself into an object. This is very new for me.

God is good. I am very thankful that Herbie and his brothers are good, Godly men that are helping provide a safe place for me to learn to walk in God's grace as I learn to live in the boundaraies He has given us in His Word. He put them there for a reason, and I have learned more about those reasons with every heartache I've faced by violating those boundaries. I am so thankful God has given me a safe haven in which I can learn to walk again. We're all human, and we are all prone to sin, but God has given me some wonderful people in my life who have a heart for Him, and it is because I trust HIM that I am learning to trust these men and women God has placed in my life over the last year.

The question of Herbie....will remain a question for the time being. I just needed to get him out of my head so I could sleep tonight. :)

I'm hearing you, sister. Thirteen years ago, God placed me in a circle of friends with wonderful brothers who treated me well. That circle was a safe place for me to grow into trust and an identity of my own - a tremendous blessing.

I'm 42 now, and I still run into the "wierdness" trouble. I'm very inexperienced in dating - I've loved two men in all my life, and I married them both. When I find myself attracted to a man, I become a cartoon robot on overload with springs and cogs and smoke flying out all over the place! I only pray it doesn't show!

One thing I've learned about myself is the difference between attraction and love. I'm working on enjoying the idea that I - as a woman - can notice and appreciate a brother, but I'm not responsible for making anything happen. The idea of a relationship terrifies me, which feeds my "wierdness." Coaching myself to enjoy attraction for what it is, which does not obligate me to action, gives me space to think about what I really feel.

I don't know if any of that rings bells with you, but since you were sharing wierdness, I thought I'd join the party. ;)
I love your ideas on "wierdness", and I'm glad you shared them. :)

I never saw the movie, but in the trailer for "Under the Tuscan Sun", the lead actress says, "What is it about love that makes people soooo stupid?"

Love (or mere attraction) really does make people very stupid, and I really felt that last night. ha!

I like the idea of enjoying attraction for what it is. I think I'm gonna go with that. :)
Hey, what happened to the vegetable patch? They kind of appeared and then...whoosh.
I know! We had a whole salad bar, and now it's back to being just a bag of mixed greens. LOL

I heard from another friend of mine who told me he would visit the garden soon...So maybe we'll at least get some parsley or something. lol

George, if you're reading this...welcome to the garden. :)
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