Tuesday, April 05, 2005


So, I didn't go to work today, because I did not manage to fall asleep until 6 o'clock this morning. Not for lack of effort, mind you, but I just could not manage to settle into restful sleep. At 6a.m., I looked at my clock, and thought "There is no way I am getting up in 45 mintues to go to work."

So, I called in and said I was taking a mental health day, and being that I work in the field, they understood that. Unfortunately, it's back to work tomorrow.

I've about had it with this workin' gig...somebody always telling me where I have to be and when to be there, how I am to spend my day and with whom....I've just about had it. I think I'll quit my job and just be a bum for a few years. Then, when I get sick of that, I'll take the survival skills I acquired as a bum, and use them to launch a new and innovative business, through which I will be paid a ridiculous amount of cash for my knowlege.

Or maybe not. That sounds like an awful lot of effort.

I've often wondered about these people who come up with these brilliant ideas, and make gazillions of dollars because of those ideas. Why haven't I had an idea like that? Why can't I be my own boss?

I guess my job is not so bad, really. There are elements of it, however, that I am finding more and more difficult to deal with every day.

For example, the population I work with does not understand much about personal boundaries, and I am of the opinion that they do not understand this simply because they have not been taught. Now, the men in particular have a difficult time with this. There is one male who makes suggestive remarks to me all the time, asking me if he can take me home for the night, asking me for a kiss, etc...If he were a "normal", not-mentally-ill guy, I would never be expected to tolerate this, and he would be expected to respect the word "NO!". However, being that he is mentally ill, whenever I complain about his blatant come-ons, people laugh as if it is oh-so-cute, and I should just tolerate it because he's got an illness. I do not understand this thinking, and it seems counter-productive to the rehabilitation and recovery to promote a consequence-free environment, but that is how it is. I've dealt with this before with other men I've encountered at work, and it's the same thing every time...I'm supposed to ignore it, due to the illness. Which I think is a load of crap.

I do not understand why men think that because they see a woman they think is attractive, they have the right to look at her and talk to her however they want, disrespectful of her personhood. So many of the men I encounter in my job are of the mindset that if they find a woman attractive, that gives them the right to say and do as they please toward her, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes her feel.

Nearly a year ago, I had gastric bypass surgery, and have since lost over 100 lbs. Needless to say, my body does not look anything like it used to, I get more attention than I used to, I can wear clothes I could not wear before, etc...and, most of the time, I am thrilled with the change. However, when I encounter the kind of treatment I routinely encounter at my job, and sometimes outside of my job, I sometimes wish I could go back into hiding. Nobody looked at me when I was 100 lbs heavier...I was about the biggest thing in the room, but I was invisible. I sometimes wish for that again, because I do not like being made to feel like an object to which another person has rights, whether I want them to or not.

Certainly it is a free country, and people are free to say and do what they want. But whatever happened to respecting other people? Whatever happened to respecting boundaries, and accepting "NO" for an answer? When did it become okay to impose your will on someone else? And when did doing so become cute and funny?

This, among so many other things, is what I struggle with in my job everyday. I have never felt this uncomfortable in any situation before, and I am not sure what to do about it. I can't call in to work forever, I suppose. And saying "NO" has not helped, nor has being outright rude to the offending parties.

I am feeling anxious and restless today, so badly wanting a change in my life, but having no means to make it happen. A move to a bigger town would do wonders to increase my employment and social options, but I have no money to make that happen. I feel trapped, and stuck, and extraordinarily frustrated.

Wow - you've been through a lot this year. You should rant.
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