Wednesday, May 11, 2005

5 days left

It was an interesting day. I received a bouquet of flowers from my supervisor today, which I found odd, being that last week I was not even worthy of talking to. The card read, "Congratulations! Best of luck on your future endeavors!" Hmmm....I'm not sure what I'm being congratulated for, as I have been pushed out of my job. Maybe, congratulations on finally taking the hint? Congratulations on finally reading between the lines? I'm not sure.

Anyway, the flowers are pretty, nonetheless. I shall attempt to take this gesture at face value, and not read anything into it.

It was a fairly good day at work, but a couple of events reminded me very clearly of why I am leaving. I will spare the reader the details, but will simply say that I was once again shown that anything requiring extra effort, even it is for the betterment of our program, is absolutely and unequivocally out of the question for my fellow staff members. Even if it can be done within the same 8 hour day, if it is above, beyond, or outside of the typical work requirement, it is not something to be considered. This I find very sad, but it is a clear demonstration of how I just do not jive with my coworkers.

Several clients expressed to me today how sorry they are to see me leaving. That was hard to take. I am sorry to be leaving, too, but I do not have a choice. I spent a bit of time today trying to hold back tears as I carried on through my work day. However, my Irish was up, and I would not give my supervisor the satisfaction of knowing how deeply this is effecting me. It is my intention to walk out of there on my last day, head held high, dignity and self-respect in tact.

It's all good, though. I am holding on to that. Our circumstances one at a time may be hell to go through, but God promises to work them all together for our good. And I am learning that my version of what is for my good, and God's version of what is for my good, are two strikingly different things from time to time. :)

I did register for a class yesterday at the college. I am going to be going back to register for a couple more, but I wanted to be sure to get into the ASL class this fall. I am very eager to begin a new chapter in my life, exploring new possibilities for my future.

I also turned in my resume to a community mental health agency in the next county over, who is hiring for the same position I will be leaving at my current job. It is only a part time job, but it does keep my foot in the door of the mental health field. Hearing about this job opening was a tremendous blessing, and gave me a glimmer of hope that I don't have put aside the things I am passionate about in order to move on to the next thing in my life. Maybe this is a way God is going to allow me to stay with something I love, while still exploring something new. Or maybe not. God has His own plans.

The truth of the matter is, I am scared. I do not know what lies ahead, and that has me rattled inside. How will I make my car payments? How will I even pay for insurance? How will I even be able to afford gas to get to a job if I do find one? How....???? And yet, there are moments of peace, knowing that God saw all of this coming, and if I walk steadily forward, eyes on Him, I can walk on water.

There is nothing about this situation that indicates I am in any way safe or secure. There is nothing to give me confidence in the temporal things. If I look only at these things, I will surely sink. But focusing on Jesus, day by day, one step at a time, I will get to where He is leading me. And if I stumble along the way, floundering in my own fears, all the more opportunity to understand His amazing grace.

Cool beans! Classes and a potential job!
It sounds like the flowers from your supervisor is her way of giving you the swift push out the door with a smile on her face...that's how they are sometimes. Hang in there!
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