Sunday, May 15, 2005
Any given Sunday
Church this morning was very good, and I enjoyed the message. I saw Herbie briefly, but was at a loss for words, as usual, and looked like a complete idiot.
I came home from church, and slept for about four hours, not feeling like doing much of anything else. I have been eating nonstop lately, as well, so, gosh, I am a model of physical fitness. This is what I do when I am stressed and/or depressed....sleep and eat and wait for it to pass.
During my nap today, I had a horrible dream about my exit interview. In this dream, my supervisor walked in during the interview, had a few "hush hush" conversations with the ones conducting the interview, after which they clearly did not believe anything I was saying, and I walked out of there feeling incredibly stupid for even trying to tell the truth.
I have been searching for jobs, and have filled out a few applications, but have not had any offers yet. It is hard for me to think of leaving a job in a field I really do love, to do something like retail or anything of that nature. I have an interest in helping people, not raising revenue for the corporate monster. Then again, I guess no matter what field you are in, you do help people, whether it's intentional or not. For better or for worse, every contact we have with someone makes a difference in their day. It's up to us, whether we help or hurt.
Or at least this is what I keep telling myself. I am really walking into the unknown here. The last time I was out of work was shortly after getting out of the hospital, and I was out of work for 8 months. That was a horrible 8 months. I remember having no food in the house, having no money to even buy things like maxi pads, and having to just accept that I was not going to be able to keep up on my bills, thus my credit was slaughtered. I had asked Social Security not to process my claim for disability benefits, as I did not want to wear that label, and being a single woman, was not able to get any help from any other source. Yep, it was fun. Fortunately, I had a lot of help from my parents in getting some of the basic things I needed. I just do not want to be dependent on them again.
I am going to be looking into returning the Jeep I got in March, lest I should fall behind on payments and have it repossessed. I would rather give it up on my own than have them take it from me, and I do have my trusty old Blazer to drive. I really love my Jeep, and the thought of losing it is sad, but I can't afford another hit on my credit. I am not even sure what the process would be to return it, but that information is only one phone call away.
I think the most frustrating part of this is that so much of what is happening will give my supervisor the satisfaction of being right. And having to drive my Blazer instead of my Jeep is among the worst of it, because she had told my coworkers what a dumb move it was for me to get that Jeep in the first place, and so forth. It's all a matter of pride, and I realize that, but I freely admit to being very prideful at times. (And yes, I do know what the Bible has to say about pride...it comes before destruction.)
I know that in the long run, things are probably going to turn out better than I even dare imagine right now. But, for the moment, this whole thing really stinks.
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