Friday, May 06, 2005
My supervisor finally deemed me worthy of speaking to, after two days of completely ignoring my existence. She did not say much, but at least was decent in what little conversation she did have with me. The operative term being "conversation she did have with ME"...the things said when I was not present are of a different nature entirely, so I am told.
I have only 7 more work days to get through, for which I am thankful. It is dwindling down, and I will be very glad to leave those stressors behind. However, several clients have expressed how sorry they are to see that I am leaving, and that has been hard. The clients are not the problem. I very much enjoy that aspect of my job. It is the cattle-excrement factor of the beauracracy that I cannot deal with. Cannot and will not. I refuse to provide substandard services to an individual simply because providing adequate and appropriate care might mean more work and ruffling a few feathers. I refuse to participate in an environment that is not conducive to recovery and wellness, and does not facilitate autonomy for a capable individual that just hit a few bumps in the road.
I am feeling a bit sad, because I really do believe strongly in the philosophy behind the program I am working in. I just do not like how our particular program is functioning, and that any effort to raise the standard a bit is consistently met with resistence from the very people who should be the ones raising the standard. I do enjoy working in the field of mental health, and I do very much enjoy being involved in the type of work I've been doing. The idea of leaving the field completly has me very sad, but without a degree, there are not many job opportunities available to me in this field. Good incentive to work toward a degree, but a bit discouraging for the moment.
However, maybe a break from the field and a breather after this situation settles will help me refocus and become more decisive about which direction I want to pursue.
As far as my living situation goes, I have concluded that, like it or not, probably the best thing to do for now is stay where I am, save a bit of money by working locally and travelling less to get to work, and moving closer to my original target date. To move right now would be adding stress to an already heavy stress load, not to mention increasing my financial burden by adding the burden of rent. So, unless God provides some funding to make the move sooner rather than later, I think the best thing is to just sit tight for awhile.
But, as I've learned recently, things can change very fast. Tomorrow could bring a whole different perspective.
Nothing lately has turned out at all as I'd hoped or expected. Altogether different, in fact. However, God does promise us beauty for ashes. I have to hold on to that.
Atta girl seems woefully inadequate.
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