Thursday, May 26, 2005
I spent quite a bit of time in bed today, as everything outside of my bed seemed too overwhelming to deal with. I did manage to get up and get a shower, get dressed, and even put on makeup...but went back to bed shortly thereafter.
The feeling of being defeated prevailed through many of my thoughts. I got to thinking of how hard I have worked over the years since being hospitalized. I remember very clearly how many people told me to go get disability benefits, so I wouldn't have to deal with the pressures of work anymore. I remember very clearly calling the Social Security office, asking them not to process my claim, because I was not disabled and wanted to work. And I remember getting my job with community mental health, and working very hard, holding down a full time job for nearly four years, struggling at times but still working, all to get past the stigma of the things from my past.
As I considered these things, I had to wonder...what was all the hard work for? In the end, it did not matter, and the powers that be still saw me as nothing more than a diagnosis. When all was said and done, I might as well have just ridden the disability train to wherever it would take me.
And so were the thoughts that burned in my mind throughout the day.
And then, quite unexpectedly, I received a phone call from my good friend Corbett, whom I had not spoken to in...gosh, well over a year.
He is wonderfully himself, and has a natural ability to bring me back to center in his own crass, irreverant, unpolished way. :) Those are traits I admire, and often wish I had just enough of those traits in me that nobody would feel they have the right to push me around.
He reminded me of why I loved what I did, that I have a passion for doing it, and maybe when all is said and done, perhaps my last job just was not the place that would enable me to do what I have a passion for. He reminded me that I am far from disabled, and have abilities that have surpassed the expectations of those who have labeled me. Of course, Corbett's way of expressing all of this was much more colorful and interesting, but that is the essence of it.
Thank you, Corbett, for helping me tune in to the right radio station today. (And thank you, Pat, for that metaphor).
After talking with Corbett, I was reminded that being given that job was God's doing, and I have to believe that leaving that job is also God's doing. He has a plan here. I've been saying that from the beginning, but it was good to be reminded that it is not just lip service...God really does know what He's doing, and even the crappy times are all part of it.
Hugs & Kisses
Although you do have a way with words...very interesting words. And phrases. Before last night, I had NO IDEA the term "road lizard" even existed.
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