Monday, June 27, 2005
Now where was I...
Last Thursday, Herbie and I finally had a chance to sit down and talk about some things.
In the week prior, I had talked to his roommate, and expressed that I was feeling frustrated and hurt because I felt like Herbie was giving me some very mixed signals. I told him it was frustrating and hurtful that Herbie would be flirty and huggy at church activities, yet when I called him to ask him about something regarding Oasis, he did not answer his phone or return my phone call. I told his roommate that I felt like I was being treated badly, that Herbie was not being clear with me on his intentions for our relationship, and I was getting just a bit angry about it.
So, last Thursday, when we had a few minutes to talk, Herbie told me that his roommate had shared these things with him. He told me he was very sorry for misleading me, and that he never meant to do anything to hurt me. He did admit that he likes to flirt, that it has caused problems before with others, that he knows he should have stopped flirting with me once he knew my interest in him was genuine, and that he now realizes this is something that he really needs to deal with. He told me how much he cherishes me and our friendship, and that he doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize that. If nothing else, it was good for us to talk about these things openly.
Of course, I already knew...really, if I were being honest...that Herbie's interest in me was purely for the fun of flirting, but I allowed myself to harbor that hope that maybe...just maybe...I had it wrong. It turns out I had it quite right, and I'm glad he finally told me that himself.
I am still feeling hurt, but at least there is some closure to it. Boundaries have been established, and things are going to be different now. Still, I do feel just a little bit used, now that there is no escaping the realization that I was in fact just somebody to flirt with and help boost the ego (among other things). It's a jagged little pill to swallow, but I am choking it down.
I will be writing more later. It is hellishly hot, and it's time to go for a swim.
Honest disappointment is easier to take than hope deferred; but you're right - it is a jagged little pill.
I do appreciate Herbie's honesty, painful though the realities may be.
"Once you know the truth, you can hide it on a shelf, but unless you bring it down, you can't live with yourself..."
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