Garden Variety Neurosis

Today has been a bit of an off day. Much on my mind, there is. (Say that in a Yoda voice)

I continue to hear things about my former workplace that are infuriating, disgusting, and just all around upsetting. It is very difficult for me to hear these things, and not thirst for some sort of vengence...something to let these people know they are not getting away with this. But, the sad truth is, they are getting away with it. Every day. Every effort to bring any accountability into that place is met with the strong force of my former supervisor, who can talk her way out of everything, it seems.

I have been told by several people that I have very good grounds for a lawsuit that would likely result in a hefty settlement for me. I have toyed with the idea of going forward with such a lawsuit, but my spirit will not give me peace in that. I know I could probably find an attorney to take the case, who would go for the jugular and get me a settlement large enough that money would cease to be an issue. I could probably get an out of court settlement, because the agency would want to avoid the negative publicity such a lawsuit would surely attract. With that money, I could probably clear my debts, move, and live comfortably for quite awhile.

BUT

I am consistently reminded that vengence is not mine. And that's what this lawsuit would be about for me...it would be about seeing that my former supervisor and the agency she works for get what's coming to them. Yeah, justice would be in there somewhere too, but it would not be the driving force behind my decision to file a lawsuit. Not very good motives, and certainly not motives I could in any way expect to be blessed by God.

These are the moments when I wish I had no sense of moral absolutes, and no certainty that God was in control...Okay, that is my surface reaction, anway. My gut level reaction is that I am very glad this is not my issue to deal with, and that I am not the one who is going to hold these people accountable for what they have done to me and to others. I am glad that bringing justice to this situation is not my job.

I do think that all of this is working together toward whatever is coming next for me. The things that have happened to me have really stirred in me a desire to advocate even more strongly for those who cannot advocate for themselves. I have seen first hand how easily someone is dismissed on the basis of their mental health, and this is out and out WRONG. (I can almost guarantee that if my former supervisor was confronted with anything I said in my exit interview, she was quick to remind people that I do, after all, have a diagnosis that has to be considered, so you can't really believe everything I say. I have seen her do this with clients, so I am very sure this is what she did with anything I said.) I think God is going to lead me to a place where I can use these experiences to really help other people. I'm not sure when, where, or how yet, but I do believe it is going to happen.

I also believe a lot of what was taken from me is going to be restored to me in greater measure. But, it will be done in God's way, not through a lawsuit. This whole situation is a test of my faith, putting to me the hardest question...Do I really trust God?

I did not hear anything from the job I interviewed for last week. This does not concern me too much, as they said I would hear from them today at the very earliest, but perhaps not until Monday. If I don't hear from them on Monday, then I'll have to wonder...

In my job searching, I have realized that I am deplorably lacking in job skills. Marketable skills. Many of my skills involve people skills, but you don't often find employers who are looking to hire someone just because they love people. So, I have started taking classes at the Michigan Works learning lab, sharpening my computer skills so I can get a job that pays the bills while I'm going to school to learn what I really love.

So, God is opening doors, just not the ones I expected. And I think many of the doors being opened are the doors in my heart, and as they creak open and let in the Light, He is going to open doors in much more tangible ways.

And this old heart of mine...it keeps going back and forth about Herbie. Why are such things so hard to settle at times? Oy! But, I have not forgotten the lessons of two weeks ago. I also realize that feeling affection for someone does not mean that anything whatsoever has to come of it...they are just feelings.