Saturday, August 27, 2005


I've been hearing that a lot today. "No". Today was a world of "No".

It started out this morning, when I got a call from Kelly Services, offering me a wonderful job. The perfect job, actually. It is right here in town, so I wouldn't have to worry about the cost of gas. It paid well. It was only a three week job, so it didn't rule out moving within the next couple of months. And it was in the probate court, which would help me get a taste for the field of criminal justice, as well as gain experience to use in the probate court position I've applied for in GT County.

Of course, I told them I would take the job. I was so seemed like things were finally turning around. I could not have asked for a better opportunity.

However, I felt that I needed to tell them that my brother-in-law was currently on probation, and part of his probation order stated that he could not have contact with anyone in my family. The woman I spoke with thanked me for telling her, told me there was probably a way around it, and we were not going to let him rob me of this opportunity.

So, I went about my day. Shortly after I got off the phone with her, someone finally came to take my Jeep. It was fully expected, yet nonetheless painful. There was such finality to it, as I saw it being towed away, and realized what had just happened.

Awhile later, I got the call from Kelly Services I'd been waiting for. You know, the one where they tell me everything worked out fine and I can start my job as we'd discussed. Only, such would not be the case. They decided that, given the circumstances, it would not be wise to put me in that position...but they assured me they would keep looking for a job for me. I appreciated the assurance, though it did little to soothe me at the moment. They thanked me for my honesty, and told me that it really tells them a lot about a person when they are willing to be that honest. I wanted to tell them that I have an uncanny knack for being so honest about things that it costs me good jobs, but I thought I'd better not go there.

Darn ethics, anyway.

A few hours and a nap later, I went for a walk, and called Mister. I had not spoken to him in about a week, and I thought that perhaps speaking to him might bring some measure of...comfort?...giddyness?...euphoria? my day.

You know, some things are just better left alone.

He informed me that he had returned to school, which is roughly three hours away from here. I immediately thought...nice that he let me know he was leaving town.

We talked a bit about things, and I have to admit, despite the initial shock of realizing he wasn't in the area anymore, it was comforting to talk to him. He's a good one to talk to, just because of who he is. He has a confidence about him that is rather contagious, and one does get the feeling after speaking with him that, somehow, everything in this mixed up world is going to be okay.

Anyway, as the conversation went on, I asked him when he would be in the area again. And then it came...the sucker punch I'd been waiting for, but never actually thought would come. He told me that he didn't think he'd be in the area anytime in the forseeable future, because he had no real reason to come back this way.

As I listened to what he was saying, and felt the need to explain at least three times, it felt like something slow, sharp, and painful was piercing through me. In less than two weeks time, I'd gone from being someone he enjoyed spending time with and was wondering what kind of future he'd have with, to being lumped in with the many reasons that are not good enough to bring him back to this area for a visit.

Perhaps my generally crappy day had robbed me of my perspective, but his matter-of-fact declaration seemed incredibly insensitive. I am still baffled by the idea that someone could say something so cold, and just expect me to be okay with that.

I fully realize that Mister and I were never a couple, per se, but when we last talked, I was at least under the impression that we were both equally curious about where this relationship was heading, and each had every intention of keeping in touch with the other and watching the relationship grow. He told me again tonight that he would keep in touch, but I won't hold my breath for that, as he left the area without even telling me.

After Mister and I hung up, I asked God why in the world he brought Mister into my life at all. It all seemed very a great cosmic tease. I still feel all shredded inside. This whole day seemed like a big joke, and as I continued my walk I had to wonder what on earth God was doing in all of this. I still am not sure.

A good friend reminded me tonight that sometimes the things that come into our lives are not always God's perfect plan, but they are things He permits. Perhaps this is where Mister comes into the picture.

All in all, though, I feel like today was laden with no, and I am waiting for God to open up to me a world of YES.

Oh my goodness. I've been up in your neck of the woods the last couple of days and was thinking about you. (I ate lunch at China Buffet King and shopped at Home Depot, for goodness sakes!) Now I know why.

I agree with your friend about things coming into our lives, but my friend, I'll do you one better.

What if this was God's perfect plan? What if it was for no other reason than for God to kiss your cheek and remind you that you're beautiful and beloved? God's blessings come to us like a summer breeze - they surge and they subside. But, if we accept them for their worth in the moment, we are changed.

Who knows where the story of Mister and That Girl ends? It pales in the light of God's amazing love for you - in this moment.
Thank you, Pat...For your thoughts and your insight, which I know comes from the ability to understand.

What did you have at China Buffet King?? I love that place!!! :)
Oh. My. Gosh. I was so stuffed. It's a good thing I live about 200 miles away!
My favorites are always the peanut chicken and the general tsao chicken. I'll die eating it, but I'll die happy!
I am so sorry to hear about this, Girl. :( I agree with your good friend, and having been in a situation like this myself, God will sometimes allow things like this to come into our life, and we just don't know the outcome all the time right away. And like a lot of things that He is doing which are higher than our ways and soforth, we won't always understand the reason. Maybe it was for the impact you might have had on Mister...maybe he needed to meet someone kind and interesting and intelligent like you to make him think. Who knows the outcome? It might turn around and work out, it might not. I believe that if it is not meant to turn around your heart will heal and be stronger from the experience, even though you don't feel all that strong right now. It's perfectly OK to cry and wonder, it's normal. But you will be stronger in the future, even though it might feel right now like you will never get that far with your broken heart. But you will... HUGS! :)
Thank you, Faithful to Him. :)
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