Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Nothing in particular

So, it has been nearly a week since my last post. Since then, I have experienced the relief of finding that my car had no major problems and seemed to be running fine. I then experienced the disappointment of finding that my sense of relief came all too quickly, and my car has lingering problems which render it utterly useless for journeys that take more than ten minutes.

I still find myself at that point of needing to remind myself that God has a purpose in everything. I do not necessarily believe that there is some grand scheme behind why my car is dying, but I do believe that sometimes the whole purpose of the things we face in life is simply to bring us into a deeper knowledge of Christ. That in itself is a grand enough purpose, and if God uses the things in our lives for something beyond that, it is a bonus.

I do think God certainly ordered the steps I've taken in the last few months, and it has lead me to this point. If I had not found a job so close to home, I would have still been driving nearly 40 minutes to get to work, which means my car would likely have broken down somewhere between here and there. I would have ended up without a job or a car to drive, and that would have made my situation that much worse. All in all, even in the middle of so much uncertainty, I see God's hand moving.

I think sometimes we have to surrender what we believe is our right to have all the answers. Our right to make sense of things. Our right to understand. Sometimes, I think God is asking us to just walk forward in the darkness, trusting that even though we have no idea where we are going, God sees the whole picture, and is only asking that we trust Him with the details. It is a hard thing, surrendering the control. Letting go of things that we believe we have every right to hold on to.

But, it is a sweet surrender. What started as a bitter battle for control, and the angry, reluctant realization that I have none, has become a place of freedom and relief for me. I realize I have no control over much of what is happening in my life right now, and really, that has taken tremendous weight off my shoulders. It is strangely calming to look at my life right now and think, "Wow, God, I'm glad this is YOUR problem. There is NOTHING I can do about it!"

I have spent the last several months fighting so hard to get to where I thought I should be, I didn't realize that I am exactly where God wants me.

It is like finding the difference between furiously treading water just to stay afloat, and relaxing on a raft as you float down a lazy river.

Ahhhh. Yes, that's what surrender is.
I'm right there with you. I'll keep holding on if you do! :)
Hey! Did you ever get my email????
I got an email from you about six months nothing since!
Hey, my genius mind figured out why your email didn't come through! I had my email address misspelled on my profile...Amazing what the lack of one little letter can do! Anyway, email to your heart's content should go through!
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