Wednesday, September 28, 2005
I want so badly to be able to move out of this apartment, and really start living a life on my own. That had been my goal, before the excrement hit the fan at CMH, and I lost my income and the retirement funds I'd planned to tap into in order to make the move. Now, I am working at a job that pays roughly half of what I was making, and at this rate, it is unlikely I'll be able to move anytime soon. With as far behind as I am in bills, $7 an hour will only take me so far...
I am desperately wanting to see some justice in this. It is very difficult for me to know that those who have not only wronged me, but have wronged so many others, are still collecting their ample paychecks and benefits, and I am left to barely scrape by. I look at this, and think, "God, where are You??? You say You are a just God...where is the justice??? Why am I left to struggle, and those who have chosen wickedness over righteousness are thriving???? Why have You not made this right????" And, I feel angry.
And yet, I trust Him. The deepest parts of my soul know that He is working, He is in control, and He has a purpose in all of this. I do not understand a thing about what He is doing right now, and when I look at things as they are right now, I think in the words of Everychild..."It's just not fair!", and I want to stamp my foot and throw a temper tantrum, as though it could in any way sway God's activity.
He is showing me His faithfulness in small ways.
In church on Sunday, I took a couple of bills out of my purse to put in the offering. It was not enough to cover my tithe, but with what little money I have right now, I thought...it's enough...isn't it? God has really been dealing with me about honoring Him with my finances, and I felt the absolute conviction of God saying, "Give me the whole thing." I'm thinking...But God, you don't get it. This is ALL I have! I still have to put gas in the car, and have enough money to get me through til payday! How can I give You the whole thing?...And yet, He persisted, and I obeyed.
After church, I drove home, and stopped at the gas station on the way to get a coffee. I'd been up most of the night, and had to work that afternoon, and needed something to get by on, so, I stopped. When I returned to my car, it would not start. No matter how many times I tried, it simply was not going to start.
I began making phone calls...I was able to reach a very good friend, who assured me he would come get me if I needed him to, but he had no advice to offer me on how to get my car started. I then remembered that I had the phone number of another friend who also happened to be an auto mechanic. I called him, and he said he would be there in about twenty minutes.
He came out, fixed my car on the spot, and asked for nothing in return. He told me the car was acting like it was running out of gas, even though it had fuel, so I needed to put some gas in it just to be safe. I'm thinking...okay, I've got a little bit of money left, I can do that. I told him I could put a few dollars worth in, and I pulled over to the pump.
As I stopped the car, he pulled out his wallet, took out his credit card, and told me that today was my lucky day, because I was getting free gas. He proceeded to put $20 worth of fuel in my car.
I immediately felt a little embarrassed, not in front of my friend, but in front of God, remembering our conversation earlier that day. Remembering what a time I was having trusting that He would do as He promised He would, and provide for my needs...remembering that, after all this, I still have not learned that when we acknowlege Him in all our ways, He directs our paths.
I have not had any problems with my car since Sunday. I really do think that God stopped my car that day to gain my undivided attention, and show me clearly that it is never a risk to trust Him. He will provide.
And so, even amidst tremendous frustration, I am trusting that He is leading. Jesus lead on, I will follow.
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