Garden Variety Neurosis

Today was better. I am still feeling a little blue, but nothing like the last week or so has been.

I went to Oasis tonight, and that is always just what it purports to be...an oasis. A safe place of refreshing.

I had a very good, long talk with dear friend of mine, who assured me that he has been through something very much like what I've been going through, and things will get better. It is good to know that I'm not the only one who ever deals with this stuff, and has had to somehow manage a way through it and out of it.

I think that one major theme God has been impressing upon me lately is to get over myself. For years, I have been perfecting the art of wallowing in self-pity, and I have to say, I have become quite adept at it. I know how to take nearly any situation, and turn it into something that reflects my overall sense of worthlessness and utterly contemptuous nature.

A couple of days ago, I was again asking God for help with the depression I've been fighting, and I could almost literally hear Him saying, "Stefanie, get over yourself. Not everything is about you."

Hmmm....

So, I've been praying for a broader vision, that sees beyond myself and my own pain, and sees and feels the pain of others.

I do think God is grieved when we do not feel good about ourselves. After all, He made us, and He thinks we're pretty great. But, I also think that there comes a point where God will say "Enough" after dealing with a particular thing for awhile. I think that applies to many situations, and certainly to my ongoing struggle with self-esteem issues. It is as though the choice is being put before me very simply...either believe the lies, and continue struggling through the mire of a distorted image devoid of God's truth, or reject the lies, start speaking the truth even if I don't yet believe it, and go forward in light of His word.

I'm going forward...it won't be a perfect journey, and I'm sure to experience setbacks now and then...but I'm tired of walking waist deep through muddy lies.