Garden Variety Neurosis

In most ways fairly uneventful, today was a good day nonetheless.

I went to Meijer's with my sister, as I have been in need of a winter coat for quite some time. I picked up a particularly...interesting...looking coat and tried it on. It fit, but I didn't like it. As I put it back on the rack, I was shocked to see that it was a size SMALL. Holy shnikeys!!! I actually put on something that was a size SMALL, and it fit!!!

I never imagined I would be able to do that! I ended up buying something that was...not a small. I'm not even sure if it fits, as I don't even know what I look like anymore. I'm not accustomed to seeing myself in a smaller body. In my mind, I am still well over 200 lbs.

I was talking with a friend of mine tonight about some confusing problems with men, and our conversation worked its way around to a movie I saw with some friends on Saturday.

"The End of the Spear" is a movie I have been anticipating for quite awhile. I only saw one little blurb about it on Sky Angel, but as I was familiar with the story behind the movie, I was very interested in seeing it.

I think my reasons for wanting to see it were primarily nostalgic, perhaps peppered with a bit of curiousity. When I was in Bible college, we often heard about Jim Elliot and the mission in Ecuador, and how the events that took place there changed the face of the mission field forever.
However, seeing the movie turned out to be a very different experience than I expected.

To begin with, Saturday was a day filled with despair for me. I felt lonely...incredibly lonely...as I had not been able to see my friends in about a week. It's not as though I live right around the corner from them...seeing them takes time and resources, and resources have been in short supply lately. In addition to all of that, I was worried to the point of distraction about how I was going to put gas in my car to get to my appointments in the week to come. Beyond that, I was concerned with how I would get to a fax machine to fax in the documents to complete the business I sent in so I could get paid...It was going to cost money to fax it from the library, and I didn't have any money...and yadda yadda yadda...

My wonderful friends offered me a movie ticket and some gas money if I would come out to see the movie with them, so of course, I went.

As I watched the movie, I braced myself for what I thought would be the worst part of the film...the scene in which Nate Saint and four other missionaries are speared to death by the Auca tribe. This scene was horrible, and I did feel the tears rising as it played out, but it was nothing in comparison to what would come.

As the story unfolded, I learned that the death of those five men was in no way the end of the mission in Ecuador, but the beginning. If it were not for the deaths of these men, doors would not have been opened, the chasm would not have been bridged. Were it not for these men and their willingness to give it ALL for Jesus, the tribe they so wanted to reach would have remained desperately in the darkness.

These men left behind wives and children who were also willing to risk it all to bring Jesus to these people...People who had taken from them husbands and fathers...

As all this played out on the screen, I began to weep. Yes, it was all tragic, and yet not...but more than that, I felt God challenging me.

Here I had spent the better part of my Saturday, wallowing in despair...Worrying about silly things like how I would put fuel in the tank, or send a few pages over a fax machine...Not only worrying, but worrying to the point of being consumed with this worry.

I felt challenged, and thought...When did my vision become so small? When did I trade the eternal promises of God for the day to day grind?

And I thought...maybe it isn't that my vision has become so small. Maybe it's that my vision was never that large to begin with.

How easily we become consumed with ourselves! How easy it is to truly believe "it's all about me" ! So easy to forget that we did not come to Christ only for our own salvation, but to be vessels of His mercy and grace to others, that they may come to know Him, too. If we truly believe that the point of knowing Jesus is only to save our own skin, we have not realized what it is to be His.

It is difficult to remain an open vessel for Christ when you are consumed with fear about things that do not matter. God owns it all!!! He owns the fuel my car needs to operate, He owns the fax machines I need to conduct business...He owns my business...He owns the money I make from my business...He owns EVERYTHING!

God, help me to see beyond myself. Help me to have a vision that goes beyond the day to day. Help me, God, to have a vision that is as big as Yours. Teach me to dream with You.