Thursday, January 26, 2006

Much ado about nothing...?

There are times in life when we think we have something resolved, and we have been able to neatly package it and file it away with the relics of our past, never...we be seen or thought of again.

Such was the case for me where Herbie was concerned. I thought I had long ago dealt with and conquered any romantic feelings toward him, and that I had made great strides in moving forward. I had developed other interests, and I can honestly say, I have not thought of him romantically in quite awhile.

Then, lately, that has changed. And it scares me.

More than anything, I am just confused right now. Needlessly, I am sure. Herbie has said and done a few things lately that have caused me to wonder what exactly his intentions are, but then I have to is Herbie, the incurable flirt, who is all sweet gestures and flattering words, with no real intention behind any of it.

I know this to be true of him, which is why my confusion is so frightening. Having once been bitten, you would think I would now be twice shy.

My confusion peaked a few nights ago when I had a most disturbing dream.

In my dream, Herbie had married a girl from Oasis...a girl to whom I feel in all ways inferior, by the way...and suddenly, everything between us was different. I was completely heartbroken, to the point of choking back tears whenever I encountered them in the dream. I remember wanting so much to talk to him, and tell him that he and I should have been together, but thinking there was no point to that, as he was already married and it would be completely inappropriate and futile. Throughout the entire dream, and even into my waking hours, I felt such an incredible, unshakable sadness, as if my heart had been utterly and irreparably broken. Even a few days removed from the dream, I am still disturbed by it.

I am not sure why this has all surfaced just now. I know Herbie's sweet but meaningless gestures have certainly assisted in stirring up old feelings, but beyond that, I am not sure why there is such confusion.

I don't suppose there is anything to be done about it, but ride it out and wait for it to pass. In the meantime, I am treading carefully. I do not want to find myself in the position I was in a few months ago, investing emotionally into something that looks like a duck and walks like a duck, but is by no means a duck.

This is remarkably painful, for something so simple.

Yes, that's how it is - simple but painful, and there's no real way around it, just through.

The man who loves you well will make his intentions crystal clear to you, not leave it to you to fill in the blanks.
I thought of that very thing myself, and I know there is truth in it. In fact, I was a little ashamed...Why would I even consider it, after what I've been through?

This is a long standing pattern with me, but I'm glad to say, it is a pattern God is helping me break.
Well, I wouldn't know to say it if I hadn't experienced the same myself.

I don't think you intentionally considered anything, if you're anything like me. Affections die hard, and some never do. It's how we respond to them that determines who we are. Herbie is a gem, and so are you, so understandably there is affection there. Nothing to be ashamed of!
That is very true...Herbie is a wonderful guy, and it is no surprise that he's not so easy to let go of. :)

You're right...there is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm ultimately making the right choice, and that's what counts.
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