Thursday, January 26, 2006
Much ado about nothing...?
Such was the case for me where Herbie was concerned. I thought I had long ago dealt with and conquered any romantic feelings toward him, and that I had made great strides in moving forward. I had developed other interests, and I can honestly say, I have not thought of him romantically in quite awhile.
Then, lately, that has changed. And it scares me.
More than anything, I am just confused right now. Needlessly, I am sure. Herbie has said and done a few things lately that have caused me to wonder what exactly his intentions are, but then I have to remember...it is Herbie, the incurable flirt, who is all sweet gestures and flattering words, with no real intention behind any of it.
I know this to be true of him, which is why my confusion is so frightening. Having once been bitten, you would think I would now be twice shy.
My confusion peaked a few nights ago when I had a most disturbing dream.
In my dream, Herbie had married a girl from Oasis...a girl to whom I feel in all ways inferior, by the way...and suddenly, everything between us was different. I was completely heartbroken, to the point of choking back tears whenever I encountered them in the dream. I remember wanting so much to talk to him, and tell him that he and I should have been together, but thinking there was no point to that, as he was already married and it would be completely inappropriate and futile. Throughout the entire dream, and even into my waking hours, I felt such an incredible, unshakable sadness, as if my heart had been utterly and irreparably broken. Even a few days removed from the dream, I am still disturbed by it.
I am not sure why this has all surfaced just now. I know Herbie's sweet but meaningless gestures have certainly assisted in stirring up old feelings, but beyond that, I am not sure why there is such confusion.
I don't suppose there is anything to be done about it, but ride it out and wait for it to pass. In the meantime, I am treading carefully. I do not want to find myself in the position I was in a few months ago, investing emotionally into something that looks like a duck and walks like a duck, but is by no means a duck.
This is remarkably painful, for something so simple.
The man who loves you well will make his intentions crystal clear to you, not leave it to you to fill in the blanks.
This is a long standing pattern with me, but I'm glad to say, it is a pattern God is helping me break.
I don't think you intentionally considered anything, if you're anything like me. Affections die hard, and some never do. It's how we respond to them that determines who we are. Herbie is a gem, and so are you, so understandably there is affection there. Nothing to be ashamed of!
You're right...there is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm ultimately making the right choice, and that's what counts.
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