Monday, February 20, 2006
The Cheese Stands Alone
It has been a difficult weekend. It is too late and I am too tired to go into all that contributed to the difficulty, but I will say that it seems that when I need people, they are completely unavailable to me.
I feel like a fool sometimes. I give and give and give to people, but when I need something...just a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to...nobody is there. Phone calls go unanswered or unreturned, and I am far enough removed from everyone that matters to me that phone calls are pretty much all I've got.
In times like this, I wonder why I allow myself to feel the vulnerability that I feel. I have to say that I sometimes remember with longing the days when I felt utterly detached from everyone and everything, and lived life like nothing mattered...because it didn't.
I know, this is all sleepiness and sadness talking. Still, these thoughts have been with me through much of this weekend. I keep giving...why? I keep investing...why?
More tomorrow. Or, later today rather. I am determined to feel less hopeless by then, because if I don't...I'm in trouble.
I feel like a fool sometimes. I give and give and give to people, but when I need something...just a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to...nobody is there. Phone calls go unanswered or unreturned, and I am far enough removed from everyone that matters to me that phone calls are pretty much all I've got.
In times like this, I wonder why I allow myself to feel the vulnerability that I feel. I have to say that I sometimes remember with longing the days when I felt utterly detached from everyone and everything, and lived life like nothing mattered...because it didn't.
I know, this is all sleepiness and sadness talking. Still, these thoughts have been with me through much of this weekend. I keep giving...why? I keep investing...why?
More tomorrow. Or, later today rather. I am determined to feel less hopeless by then, because if I don't...I'm in trouble.
// posted by Jaden's Mom @ 2/20/2006 12:36:00 AM 
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Sorry it's taken me so long to respond to this. Not like you're hanging on my every word - although I've been known to have some good ones. :)
Yes, it feels like that sometimes; we find ourselves in need, belly up and with no comfort. We try to reason why, and it occurs to us that our generosity has been unreciprocated. It isn't reasonable, because we didn't give to get back, but in the aloneness of the moment it's the first answer that presents itself.
I think it's especially common to feel that way when you're an out-of-towner. I've been one for almost ten years now. I can't say that I've completely overcome the cheese syndrome.
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Yes, it feels like that sometimes; we find ourselves in need, belly up and with no comfort. We try to reason why, and it occurs to us that our generosity has been unreciprocated. It isn't reasonable, because we didn't give to get back, but in the aloneness of the moment it's the first answer that presents itself.
I think it's especially common to feel that way when you're an out-of-towner. I've been one for almost ten years now. I can't say that I've completely overcome the cheese syndrome.
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