Friday, May 05, 2006


It’s been awhile since my last entry.

I wish I could tell you that life has improved since then, and that the reason I’ve not been able to write is because I’ve just been too busy with all the exciting things happening in my forward-moving life. I wish I could tell you that I am considerably closer to achieving my goal of moving out of my parents’ basement and living on my own, holding down a position in a wonderfully thriving career, using my wonderfully flexible work schedule to help the helpless and bring healing to the hurting.

But, I cannot tell you any of those things. The fact is, I am no further along in building my career than I was at my last entry. More than that, I am no closer to being able to move out than I was six months ago when I first signed on the dotted line and became an agent. In fact, it’s worse than that…I am even further behind than I was six months ago, because my income has been so unstable, if not completely nonexistent.

The last couple of weeks have brought some very heavy blows to my “career”. There have been many cancelled appointments, quite a bit of business that I was counting on that didn’t end up happening, and a lot of people who just plain are not interested in what I have to say. Certainly all of this is par for the course, but it does seem that my experience with failure has been above and beyond the norm. I’ve talked with agents who have been in the business for several years, and even they have been surprised by the sheer volume of disappointments and struggles I’ve been dealing with since the beginning.

Perhaps God is speaking, and I’m just not listening. Maybe my commitment to making this work is really just my stubborn resistance to hear what God has been saying loud and clear for awhile now. Given the circumstances I’ve been dealing with, I do not know what else to make of this. There is certainly some measure of struggle associated with starting any business, but this seems to be excessive. It seems that, by this time, I should at least not have to be concerned with how I’m going to pay the phone bill or make the car payment.

Maybe I missed it on this one. Maybe I jumped the gun and assumed knowledge of God’s leading, when really it was my own eagerness for what seemed like the solution I’d been waiting for.

I do think that, even if I’ve totally missed the boat on this, God is certainly gracious and merciful and will allow something good to come out of this. He is the God of second chances, and I am sure that He can restore what has been lost here, and move me into whatever place it is He desires for me to be in. I am at a place of realizing my own utter inadequacy at plotting my own course in life, and am seeking His leading.

I do not think anything in life is in vain. Even this, with all the missteps and fumbling, is not in vain. God will even take my clumsy efforts to bring order to my life…efforts which have once again resulted in some measure of chaos…to bring something good into my life. He promised He would.

Things like this make me realize how blessed I am to have people in my life who are there to support me, no matter what. My friends love me, regardless of what I do for a living, and that has meant a great deal to me. I know I have their love and support and sincere prayers throughout everything that is happening during this season of my life.

There are many things I am not certain of right now, but I am absolutely certain of God’s faithfulness, and that I will yet see His plan unfold in this.

Thanks for the update Stefanie. You've been on my mind a lot lately. Praying for you.
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