Saturday, July 15, 2006

Good morning, Princess!

I've just finished watching "Life Is Beautiful". I've watched it a few times before, but that has not diminished my enjoyment of the movie. Every time I watch it, I cry for different reasons, and it touches me in a whole new way.

I can't quite put my finger on why that film moves me like it does. Maybe it is the idea that the beauty of life is not comprised of circumstances, ease, or comfort, but rather something more transcendent than all of that...Faith, hope, and love. It sounds so trite, and yet there is something in the simplicity of it that resonates for me.

Perhaps this film is so moving to me at this time in my life simply because I do not have the circumstances, ease, or comfort that would make life seem beautiful.

Recently, I experienced the pain of the love that I ache for eluding me once again...though, I am happy to report that this occassion was not met with anywhere near the grief I would have felt a year ago. I think that is a sign of personal growth, to be able to acknowledge your sadness, but not be consumed by it. In fact, I briefly resorted to a couple of my old coping mechanisms, only to quickly realize that these did not give me nearly the satisfaction they once did, and I might as well just lay them down again. I was actually amused by my own stubborn refusal to be healthy, before finally being forced to acknowledge that I am not nearly the mess I used to be.

Work is not going well. My income is going to take a $100 a week cut, starting the first week of August, if I don't sell 15 cars between now and August 1st. Given the situation with the lot I am working at--a situation which is fully acknowledged by everyone in the company, but is not dealt with in any effective manner--it is highly unlikely I will meet the quota. Therefore, it is highly unlikely I will even continue working there, as fuel is so expensive it would hardly be worth it to drive to work with what I'll be making.

I have applied for several other positions, but nothing has come through yet. I'm not sure why that is, but I am sure that it is getting very frustrating. It seems as if the more I try to move ahead in my life, the more I find myself spinning my tires. I'm sure God is up to something in all of this, but I have absolutely no idea what.

A friend from Oasis mentioned that she is looking for a housemate. This could be a very good thing. If I can swing the rent, this could be a tremendous blessing for both of us. It would get me considerably closer to the things and people I love, and it would give her the financial means to stay where she is. All in all, a good thing.

Now, if only I could find a good job...

I know God knows what He's doing. I just wish He'd let me in on the secret sometimes.

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