Monday, August 14, 2006

I'm wide awake, I'm not sleepin'

I have to be to work in about 7 hours, and I've yet to have any sleep tonight. I've got so many thoughts racing through my head right now, I can't seem to find that state of restful peace needed to get a good night's sleep.

Now that I know I am actually going to move, I'm very eager to get on with it and actually make the move. I am going to sign my lease later today, and after that, it's going to be all I can do to patiently wait for time to pass.

There is a lot to be done between now and moving day to keep me occupied, so there is no worry that I will have to pass the time in idle anticipation. All of these tasks will also go a long way in keeping my mind off of all the questions that come with this next chapter in my life.

I am well acquainted with failure in many areas of my life, and I have failed abysmally in my attempts to live out from under the protective umbrella of my parents. Sure, I've learned many lessons since my last attempt several years ago, and I'm not at all the person I was then. Still, those memories loom large in my thoughts, and they are a good part of why I am still awake right now.

I did not work last week, because there was a lapse between the end of cherry season and the work they had for me at the new plant. Hence, I will not get a paycheck this week. So, money is very tight. These financial constrictions have me concerned about what is to come next week...the week of the move...which then leads me to think about what will come in all of the following weeks, and how will I manage, and what if I can't, and yadda yadda yadda. Worrying about things over which I have so very little control...

I will get through this week somehow. It will be a lean week, but I'll get through. God has not failed me yet. And, I'll get through next week, and the week after, and the week after...Even if everything was certain today, and I had a good paycheck coming, and I thought I knew what was waiting around every bend, there are always the unseen and unplanned things that can thwart even the most certain of plans. We are always living at the point of needing God's grace and provision, we just don't realize it most of the time.

So here I am, once again finding myself in the place of need, with the realization that God is going to provide for me somehow. This sort of thing keeps me humble, and helps me to remember that when all is said and done, there really is so little that I have any control over. Once again, I have to leave it is His capable hands, trusting that He knows my needs and He will provide in His way, in His time.

Yet somehow, knowing this is not helping me feel any more sleepy. I wonder what it would feel like to just give it all to God, and never take it back.

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