Sunday, August 20, 2006
Old Habits
So, I went out today and bought a pack of cigarettes. I have to say, it was like having coffee with an old friend as I took in that first drag of toxic air. It's a terrible habit, but all things considered, it is certainly not the worst thing I could be doing to cope with my present state of mind.
I am in s state of apathy. I am tired of caring about so many things, and if I can't feel any better even when doing all the right things, I figure...I might as well do at least one or two things that I KNOW will bring some relief, even if it is just momentary. I am just so tired.
I can just hear the lecture I'd be getting from my family, if they were not out of town. It will be beatuful to move away from this place, and not have my every decision questioned. I'm 31 years old, and should not have to explain to my parents and my sister why I choose to smoke, or drink Nyquil to help me sleep, or whatever.
It's how I'm coping, and all things considered, it's really not that bad.
Okay, on to other things....
Interesting Things I've Found While Packing:
I am in s state of apathy. I am tired of caring about so many things, and if I can't feel any better even when doing all the right things, I figure...I might as well do at least one or two things that I KNOW will bring some relief, even if it is just momentary. I am just so tired.
I can just hear the lecture I'd be getting from my family, if they were not out of town. It will be beatuful to move away from this place, and not have my every decision questioned. I'm 31 years old, and should not have to explain to my parents and my sister why I choose to smoke, or drink Nyquil to help me sleep, or whatever.
It's how I'm coping, and all things considered, it's really not that bad.
Okay, on to other things....
Interesting Things I've Found While Packing:
- Keys -- I have found several keys that do not belong to anything. I've tried them on all the locks, and they do not fit. I'm not sure where these keys came from. I'm pretty sure, though, that most people have keys of this kind in their homes, and will some day wonder why they are keeping them.
- Momentos from my youth - Among the most interesting was the La Diva cigar, but I also found old poetry written by cigar-smoking best friend of yesteryear, a Magnetic Poetry keychain (really cool mini-fridge with a magnetic door and about fifteen magnetic words), a Grinch backpack I forgot I even had, which I used to carry all my deep-thought inspiring paper and pens in....for those on-the-run epiphanies
- Old paintings and drawings -- I once fancied myself an artist. I think I wrote about this before. Some of the work was not that bad. I was amazed, though, at how many art-provoking supplies I had purchased, and never even used.
- Lighters -- Probably about ten lighters of different colors and patterns, from my first tour of duty with cancer sticks. I threw them away, then went out and bought a pack of smokes. Go figure.
- Journals -- I've been journaling faithfully since I was about 14 years old. I'm now 31. I did not realize how many journals I had accumulated over the years. I've got over twenty of them, and that's not even all of them. I threw away some of the journals from my mid-teen years, because I was so embarrassed about the things I wrote about a guy a I had a crush on back then. (Interesting note about the journals: Some of them are not completely used. Usually after something particularly painful, I will get a new journal. Like getting a faux-fresh start.)
- Old name tags -- I haven't worked at Prevo's (now Glen's) in years, yet I still had the name tags from my high-profile job as a deli clerk. I'm not sure why I kept it, but it's now holding its proper place in the trash receptacle.
- Perfume -- Of course I knew I had perfume, I just didn't realize I had such a vast collection of it. Somehwere in the neighborhood of 15 or so different types, many with a matching body lotion. I gave a lot of it to my mom and sister.
- Typing paper -- You can't even find typewriters anymore. A friend of mine has a 15 year old son who saw a typewriter for the first time just this summer. Yet, I have about half a package of typing paper left over from the days when I would sit in front of my typewriter for hours, just writing and writing. I did most of this during my "beat" phase, when I was inspired by Kerouac and Ginsberg and the like. Those were good times.
And that's that. Looking at this list, my life is pretty boring. Just cluttered.
// posted by Jaden's Mom @ 8/20/2006 09:52:00 PM 
Comments:
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What if I like cigarettes AND donuts??? I think I'll have to find a whole new set of friends, then.
From the sounds of it, I may have to think about doing some of that anyway.
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From the sounds of it, I may have to think about doing some of that anyway.
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