Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Ugly Girl

There are some things that happen in life that tell us all we need to know about our character. These things show us exactly what we're made of, and it is not always pretty.

As I wrote about recently, I had been planning a move. The move was actually supposed to happen next weekend. Despite my reservations, which I never spoke of until about a week ago, I had been planning to make this move and start a new chapter in my life, no matter what hesitation I had.

Then, I learned of a friend who was in need of a roommate, and it offered a better situation for me. I found that situation much more appealing, and should have just said so, in order that all of us could have moved on.

Instead, I wavered back and forth for a week. I felt a sense of obligation to the first person, and incredible guilt that I could not seem to shake free from. Knowing what I knew of that situation and how great the need for a roommate was, I felt that I would be letting her down in the worst way if I didn't move in there. Yet, for a lot of different reasons, I didn't feel comfortable moving in there, and it took me a week to tell her that. I was not forthright with her, and as a result, she is hurt, angry, and feels betrayed. None of which I really blame her for at all.

As far as the second, more attractive option...I'm not even sure I can pull that off, financially. I'm also not sure I want a roommate at all. There are a lot of things I'm not sure about right now, because I've been in so much turmoil and instability of my own this past year and a half. I am reluctant to make any commitments to anyone regarding rent and so forth until I have a more stable employment situation. The catch is, until I've moved (into a situation I'm comfortable with), I likely will not have that stability.

The only thing I am sure about tonight is that I feel like a terrible person for what I did to the person I was intending to move in with. This situation has revealed a lot to me about what I am really made of, and it's not been a pretty sight to behold. I try too hard to make everyone happy, and in the end, what was intended to prevent pain only causes pain. I'm a waffler, one who wavers, one who does not know how to stick to a decision because I get too caught up in what I think other people want or expect from me, and I don't want to let people down. I get so caught up in what other people want and expect, I find it difficult to make decisions based on what I want out of life, so I remain indecisive for far too long. This is an ugly, unsafe characteristic, and now that I'm aware of it, I need to do something to change it.

As far as moving at all is concerned, it will take God's hand moving in my favor to make that move happen. I have learned that, despite the many factors that might make one think otherwise, nobody is going to cut me a friggin' swath to help me get back on my feet and out of this rut. People have helped along the way with a few things here and there, and I am grateful for that. But, the kind of help I am in need of to make it possible to get out of this hole is not the kind of help that people are willing to offer (unless you're totally destitute, an alcoholic, a single mother, or a crack addict...then you can get help. People who just need a hand to get back on their feet are on their own.) I am at a serious disadvantage with where I live, and I'm having a hard time understanding what God is doing when the only situation that is offered to me is one that I would be completely uncomfortable with. Maybe I was wrong to pass that up. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. (Though, truly, I could not even afford to get through that door. Things are that bad right now.)

I am just tired of having no stability in my life. I'm tired of living on a rollercoaster. I'm tired of having opportunities with jobs, places to live, etc, dangled in front of me, but having them just out of my reach.

I did look at an apartment in Elk Rapids today. It's ideal, as far as how close it is to where I am working, its proximity to church, and the rent is better than I could have hoped for. But, there is a relatively small amount of money standing between me and that apartment. Once again, the carrot is dangled, just beyond my grasp.

Tonight, I feel that I need to stop hoping for good things. Maybe the place I was moving to next weekend, even with all its questions and things I was not comfortable with, is the best I should let myself hope for. Tonight, I feel like hoping for anything better is a fool's hope, and perhaps I am not entitled to the kind of stability and peace in my life that I ache for.

Honestly, tonight I feel like a terrible person, and I'm thinking that perhaps terrible people should not look for good things in their lives.

Oh, Stef! You are just human - and it seems to me that you were hesitating for good reason... You wanted to help out the needy potential roommate but you found the living arrangement uncomfortable. If you are like me - you discount your gut and invalidate your (more than likely) legitimate concern. I have had roommates, and to tell you the truth, I am grateful to be still friends with both after those "experiences." Having a roommate that you really mix with is hard enough (!) but someone that is "iffy" is a BIG RED FLAG. To me, you are a kind hearted person who tries to help others while putting your own feeling on the back burner. Contrary to "some" "said" Christian teaching, taking care of “you” is not selfish. Like I was years ago - look to the airline recommendation and breathe the oxygen first before attempting to save another. This may sound selfish, but like in the case of my children, if I ran around daily spending all my time on what they "needed" than I would soon burn out (been there) and resent my children (done that). I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. I will pray for you right now girl.
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