Tuesday, August 08, 2006
As I wrote about recently, I had been planning a move. The move was actually supposed to happen next weekend. Despite my reservations, which I never spoke of until about a week ago, I had been planning to make this move and start a new chapter in my life, no matter what hesitation I had.
Then, I learned of a friend who was in need of a roommate, and it offered a better situation for me. I found that situation much more appealing, and should have just said so, in order that all of us could have moved on.
Instead, I wavered back and forth for a week. I felt a sense of obligation to the first person, and incredible guilt that I could not seem to shake free from. Knowing what I knew of that situation and how great the need for a roommate was, I felt that I would be letting her down in the worst way if I didn't move in there. Yet, for a lot of different reasons, I didn't feel comfortable moving in there, and it took me a week to tell her that. I was not forthright with her, and as a result, she is hurt, angry, and feels betrayed. None of which I really blame her for at all.
As far as the second, more attractive option...I'm not even sure I can pull that off, financially. I'm also not sure I want a roommate at all. There are a lot of things I'm not sure about right now, because I've been in so much turmoil and instability of my own this past year and a half. I am reluctant to make any commitments to anyone regarding rent and so forth until I have a more stable employment situation. The catch is, until I've moved (into a situation I'm comfortable with), I likely will not have that stability.
The only thing I am sure about tonight is that I feel like a terrible person for what I did to the person I was intending to move in with. This situation has revealed a lot to me about what I am really made of, and it's not been a pretty sight to behold. I try too hard to make everyone happy, and in the end, what was intended to prevent pain only causes pain. I'm a waffler, one who wavers, one who does not know how to stick to a decision because I get too caught up in what I think other people want or expect from me, and I don't want to let people down. I get so caught up in what other people want and expect, I find it difficult to make decisions based on what I want out of life, so I remain indecisive for far too long. This is an ugly, unsafe characteristic, and now that I'm aware of it, I need to do something to change it.
As far as moving at all is concerned, it will take God's hand moving in my favor to make that move happen. I have learned that, despite the many factors that might make one think otherwise, nobody is going to cut me a friggin' swath to help me get back on my feet and out of this rut. People have helped along the way with a few things here and there, and I am grateful for that. But, the kind of help I am in need of to make it possible to get out of this hole is not the kind of help that people are willing to offer (unless you're totally destitute, an alcoholic, a single mother, or a crack addict...then you can get help. People who just need a hand to get back on their feet are on their own.) I am at a serious disadvantage with where I live, and I'm having a hard time understanding what God is doing when the only situation that is offered to me is one that I would be completely uncomfortable with. Maybe I was wrong to pass that up. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. (Though, truly, I could not even afford to get through that door. Things are that bad right now.)
I am just tired of having no stability in my life. I'm tired of living on a rollercoaster. I'm tired of having opportunities with jobs, places to live, etc, dangled in front of me, but having them just out of my reach.
I did look at an apartment in Elk Rapids today. It's ideal, as far as how close it is to where I am working, its proximity to church, and the rent is better than I could have hoped for. But, there is a relatively small amount of money standing between me and that apartment. Once again, the carrot is dangled, just beyond my grasp.
Tonight, I feel that I need to stop hoping for good things. Maybe the place I was moving to next weekend, even with all its questions and things I was not comfortable with, is the best I should let myself hope for. Tonight, I feel like hoping for anything better is a fool's hope, and perhaps I am not entitled to the kind of stability and peace in my life that I ache for.
Honestly, tonight I feel like a terrible person, and I'm thinking that perhaps terrible people should not look for good things in their lives.
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