Monday, September 25, 2006

Dark Night of the Soul

I am tired. Tired of the up and down, the happy and sad. Wanting to be with people, then wanting to avoid them. Hungry for life, wanting life to be over. Waiting for life to be over. It's the constant glowing and fading...the brilliance and the shadow...that wears me out. My heart is tired. My mind is tired. My body is tired.

I feel alive...and not. It is a moment by moment kind of living. Some moments, I feel like I'm least, more alive than I've felt in a long time. I can feel the wind on my face, appreciate the sunshine, find the humor in the everyday. Other moments, I am just going through the motions, living anything but an abundant life, unable to keep up the facade any more. Those moments happen more and more lately.

After re-reading through Genesis with greater focus and perception (via my bible study group), I have come to the realization that people here (now) and people then (bible-times) - without exception - had mostly crappy lives with a few beautiful or extraordinary glimpses of joy and peace. At first I thought reading it was sort of depressing. Then I began to find comfort in the low expectation the majority of Godly men and women had in bible days. They also went through the motions, lived day by day with much sorrow and disappointments. Perhaps they felt that was all there was, or they understood better than us the effects of the fall. Regardless, there is comfort to be found in the lives of these ordinary folks - that found them selves bible people - and walked where you and most are now walking.

Some are just a bit more honest about how hard life really is. The whole of creation groans for Christ to return, why shouldn't we?
Praying for you Stefanie. There are many people of God who have experienced these swings - Finney, Brainerd, Kierkegaard to name a few. I don't have your phone number any more - give me a call or email when you have time.
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