Sunday, September 17, 2006
Go Dark
That's a phrase I heard on "24" once. Perhaps more memorable because it was uttered by Jack Bauer, but nonetheless, it has stayed with me.
To "go dark" means to cut off all contact...become untraceable. As though you do not exist anymore.
Lately, this is what I feel like doing. Of course, it's not exactly possible, but I do not feel like putting much into life outside of the work-a-day week, and what I need to do for school. I do not feel depressed or...however it is I usually feel when I start to isolate...I just have not felt the need over the last few days to live outside of the comfortable box of my own world. I am very happy and comfortable right where I am.
It's strange. Perhaps a bit alarming. I have spent a bit of time lately looking over my relationships the last few years. Not strictly romantic relationships, but relationships in general. I realized that it did not matter what I was experiencing...whether it was all out rejection or unconditional acceptance...I was remarkably uncomfortable, feeling very out of place, not really knowing where I fit in. I have concluded, for better or worse, that this is the norm for me. For others, it's a signal of something wrong, something out of whack with their emotions or mental processes. For me, it's normal. It's the way things have always been. And lately, I just do not have the energy or the desire to go against the current on this.
I do have friends who would advise against my becoming comfortable in my solitude. I have one friend in particular who has advised me to consider therapy so I can get over these uncomfortable feelings and learn to mesh with other people, particularly those of my own sex. I suppose there may be some merit in that suggestion, but I do not care enough at this point to consider it. I am making friends with solitude. I am very comfortable in my cocoon. It is safe, it is not threatening, and my only critic is myself. There is no pressure here, and I am liking that.
In looking back on my relationships, and seeing that the same pattern repeats itself over and over again no matter what I may do to change, I've just concluded that--at least for now--I'm not going to attemt to reinvent the wheel. I think some people were meant for a more solitary life, and I am beginning to think that I am one of those people. As much as I may yearn for things like marriage, an active social life, etc...I am not sure those things were meant for me.
And how are things going in my coccon?
Well, I am loving my apartment. It is gradually feeling more and more like home. In fact, I stayed at my parents' house last night, and I could not wait to get back to my own place. I haven't been out of my parents' house for very long, but I was very much ready to leave. I think it's amazing, how quickly I made the transition from living with them to living comfortably on my own.
Work is going well. I think we will be settling into some kind of normal very soon, and I will have more time to focus on school and, if I feel like it, friends. Also, I got a raise, which is very nice. A great stress reliever.
All in all, things are going well. Life is good. God is good.
To "go dark" means to cut off all contact...become untraceable. As though you do not exist anymore.
Lately, this is what I feel like doing. Of course, it's not exactly possible, but I do not feel like putting much into life outside of the work-a-day week, and what I need to do for school. I do not feel depressed or...however it is I usually feel when I start to isolate...I just have not felt the need over the last few days to live outside of the comfortable box of my own world. I am very happy and comfortable right where I am.
It's strange. Perhaps a bit alarming. I have spent a bit of time lately looking over my relationships the last few years. Not strictly romantic relationships, but relationships in general. I realized that it did not matter what I was experiencing...whether it was all out rejection or unconditional acceptance...I was remarkably uncomfortable, feeling very out of place, not really knowing where I fit in. I have concluded, for better or worse, that this is the norm for me. For others, it's a signal of something wrong, something out of whack with their emotions or mental processes. For me, it's normal. It's the way things have always been. And lately, I just do not have the energy or the desire to go against the current on this.
I do have friends who would advise against my becoming comfortable in my solitude. I have one friend in particular who has advised me to consider therapy so I can get over these uncomfortable feelings and learn to mesh with other people, particularly those of my own sex. I suppose there may be some merit in that suggestion, but I do not care enough at this point to consider it. I am making friends with solitude. I am very comfortable in my cocoon. It is safe, it is not threatening, and my only critic is myself. There is no pressure here, and I am liking that.
In looking back on my relationships, and seeing that the same pattern repeats itself over and over again no matter what I may do to change, I've just concluded that--at least for now--I'm not going to attemt to reinvent the wheel. I think some people were meant for a more solitary life, and I am beginning to think that I am one of those people. As much as I may yearn for things like marriage, an active social life, etc...I am not sure those things were meant for me.
And how are things going in my coccon?
Well, I am loving my apartment. It is gradually feeling more and more like home. In fact, I stayed at my parents' house last night, and I could not wait to get back to my own place. I haven't been out of my parents' house for very long, but I was very much ready to leave. I think it's amazing, how quickly I made the transition from living with them to living comfortably on my own.
Work is going well. I think we will be settling into some kind of normal very soon, and I will have more time to focus on school and, if I feel like it, friends. Also, I got a raise, which is very nice. A great stress reliever.
All in all, things are going well. Life is good. God is good.
// posted by Jaden's Mom @ 9/17/2006 10:43:00 PM 
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
