Garden Variety Neurosis

I went to church this morning, for the first time in several weeks. It was wonderful to be back there. The worship service was awesome, the message was exactly what I needed to hear, and it was great to see everyone.

I have been going through a lot of adjustments lately as I get used to this new life I've got, and there are a lot of things that have fallen by the wayside. I have not been able to go to Oasis because of my new work schedule, and I've been so tired with only having one day off a week that I haven't been going to church on Sundays. Everything has been off kilter lately, and I can see the effects in every aspect of my life.

My dearest of dear friends assures me that these are just growing pains as I learn to balance all these new things in my life. I know he's right. I also know that I need to get back to the most basic things, not only as an act of obedience to God's urging us to remain in Godly fellowship, but also for my own spiritual and mental health.

I tend to worry a lot about finances. I think this is something I've inherited from my dad. It is very difficult for me to relax and trust that things are going to work themselves out as long as I am doing my part, and I tend to take matters into my own hands. For the past several weeks, I have been very easily justifying spending tithe money on paying bills, buying food, or whatever. I am realizing the need to be obedient in doing what God asks of me, and simply trusting that God is going to see that my needs are met. It's difficult for me not to worry about how I'm going to make ends meet, but I have made the choice to be obedient and see how God brings it all together.

As difficult a time as I'm having with all of this, I do realize what a treasure I have here. This is a wonderful journey that is teaching me more about God and what it means to have real faith in Him. These are lessons that are going to carry me through many things as life goes on. I don't know what's around the bend, but God does, and He is preparing me for the things I will face tomorrow by taking me through these things today.

I am making the choice moment by moment, determined that I will not live in fear, but will live by faith. God has everything in His hands. I am learning...however slowly...the freedom that comes with not knowing. I do not need to know everything. I do not need to know how everything is going to come together, I don't need to know what is going to happen to my life six months from now, or even tomorrow for that matter. I can trust that, whatever happens, God has it in His hands, in His control.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.