Tuesday, October 10, 2006
This morning, I was down to my last dollar, and used that dollar. I had paid the bills I could pay, put a little bit of gas in the car, and...that was all I could do. I was not able to buy groceries. In fact, I have not been able to do any real grocery shopping since I moved here. My grocery shopping has consisted of going to Dollar General and buying Ramen noodles and crackers. (Thank God for parents who would send apples, bread, and other dietary staples my way...).
I really did not know what I was going to do. I did know that there was money coming, but I was not sure when it would get here. Would it get here in time to pay the rent? And when would I be able to do any real grocery shopping, anyway? And, my clothes are literally beginning to fall off because they are too big. Would I be able to buy clothes that actually fit, anytime soon?
Well, this afternoon, in God's most timely fashion, my student loan refund came in quite unexpectedly. Some would look at this and say, "Well, that's not exactly divine. The money was coming." Yes, that is true. It is not so much the money itself as it is the timing, and the lesson I learned in that timing.
I really do think that God lets us get to the end of our rope from time to time, if only to teach us what it means to just hold on awhile longer and await His deliverance. I had made the choice to be obedient, not knowing if that money would be here in time to meet my needs. Being able to buy groceries was the least of my concerns. I was not even sure how I would be able to pay the rent this month. Yet, it has all come together. I truly believe that God honored my obedience, giving me just what I needed, just when I needed it, because I had made the choice to step out in faith and let go of what was not mine to begin with. Everything is His, and He always meets our needs, in His way, in His time.
So, tomorrow I will go grocery shopping. I now have clothes that fit, and I was able to buy a few sweaters and sweatshirts to keep me warm during these cold months. (Oh, and I was able to try on several pairs of pants and confirm that, yes, I am now a size smaller than I was 2 months ago...yay!) And...the rent is taken care of, too. All in all, God has supplied for my needs just in the nick of time, and has gone exceedingly and abundantly far above all I could ask or think.
I am once again humbled. Why do I continue to struggle with doubt? God is constantly moving me forward into better things, yet, like Lot's wife, I am always looking back, not quite able to move forward into the fullness of His blessing. Gripped by phantoms of past failures, I am constantly wrestling with being able to move forward into what He has for me now.
Perhaps it is part of being human. Perhaps it is part of being Stephanie. I suspect it is a bit of both. Slowly...ever so slowly...I am learning to reach beyond these fears, and live by faith, not by sight.
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