Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Spooky Tuesday

I am sitting here watching a documentary on Jack the Ripper. I enjoy watching documentaries on unsolved cases, particularly cases that have haunted us for so long. It is amazing to me to see how far we've come in criminology since these murders took place, and yet these murders remain unsolved. We will never know who Jack the Ripper was, or who really killed Lizzy Borden's parents, or who murdered the Black Dahlia...I find all of that sort of thing absolutely fascinating.

At any rate, I have spent the better part of today crying, or trying not to cry. In fact, I have spent the better part of the last few days in much the same way. I am feeling overwhelmed by sadness and loneliness. I am rarely able to spend time with my friends anymore, and this is something that is wearing on me more and more lately.

I am feeling like I am being kept from the things that matter to me the most. I am feeling like so many of the things I have accomplished have come at a heavy price...a price so heavy, that at times I wonder if it was even worth it. I worked very hard to be able to move to my new place, so excited to be closer to my friends, closer to church, looking forward to spending more time getting involved in all that was happening. As it is, I am able to neither see my friends nor participate in church activities.

I do not know how to explain the impact all of this is having on me. I am grateful for my job, because it's a steady paycheck and I have good benefits. These are things that I've needed for a long time, and I realize I am blessed to have a job that provides both. It just seems that it's an inequitable exchange...a good job, at the expense of the very reasons why I moved in the first place. A decent paycheck, in exchange for sometimes desperate loneliness and isolation from the people I love. I've been trying to find a different job, but I am realizing that I am deplorably underqualified for most jobs in this area. The job market is so competitive right now, employers are able to ask for someone who has a degree or two, even to do the most simple job. As there is no shortage of out-of-work college grads, that pretty much takes me out of the running.

I feel stupid and inadequate. I feel as though my life is one long string of failures, and I am just trying to bluff my way through. I feel the sting of my perceived inadequacies every time I send out my resume, which is decidedly unimpressive. I probably wouldn't hire someone like me.

I so often want so much to be other than what I am. I want to be someone who is "together"...who has passion and direction and a clear idea of where I want to go and what I want to do. I have never been one of those people. The only thing I've ever known for sure that I want to help people somehow. The only thing I am good at is working with people. That's generally not a very impressive attribute.

In one job interview I had this past summer, the interviewer asked me why I wanted the job, and quickly said, "And don't tell me it's because you like working with people."

But, that's about all I've got going for me. I am not particularly talented or skilled. There is nothing I can point to and say, "Look at what I can offer you, Mr/Ms Employer. You need me."

The job factor is only one element of what I am dealing with right now. It is just one ingredient in the mix that has me feeling emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually worn out. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of hoping, only to have hopes left unfulfilled. I am tired of holding on, believing that good things are yet to come, only to constantly be left feeling like I must settle for whatever scraps life might throw my way.

God is capable of opening any number of doors for me, but has chosen not to at this point. I am choosing to believe that He has a greater purpose in this season of struggling and pain that I am experiencing. I am not unaware of the enemy's schemes here. I am fully aware that satan would like nothing more than to have the last word here...but he won't. I know that God has a plan. I know that all of this pain is not without purpose. I am holding on by a thin thread of faith right now...but I am holding on.

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I'd see Your goodness..."

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