Garden Variety Neurosis

So, my mom mentioned to me today that she found my former supervisor's profile on MySpace. Call it morbid curiousity, but I checked it out. I shouldn't have. I wish I wouldn't have.

In answer to the question of who she would like to meet, my former supervisor responded that she would like to meet people who "walk the walk", going on to explain that she had met a lot of people who talked the talk but didn't walk the walk, including "old co-workers and others". This little bit of insight into her state of mind was enough to really rock my efforts toward forgiveness off kilter. To this day, a year and a half after my departure from CMH, my supervisor still will not talk to my mother in even a professional capacity (my mom does a lot of work with the clients I used to work with), and it upsets me to see that my former supervisor refuses to accept responsibility for her actions, instead choosing to play the victim. I walked away from (essentially forced out of) a good job, and I am still trying to recover emotionally and mentally from the things I endured while I was there, and who is the victim?????

I realize that I have no control whatsoever over how anyone chooses to interpret the things that I do. I cannot control whether or not a person takes responsibility for their actions, or chooses to blame me and others for what what happens in their lives. What is really eating at me is the bigger picture.

It gets back to the old question of why the wicked prosper. Why am I left to pick up what so often feels like whatever scraps happen to come my way, while others are sitting pretty in good paying jobs, a solid marriage, a growing family, etc...? I did nothing wrong in leaving my job, or fulfilling my duty to report the morally wrong and legally questionable things I observed while I was there...and yet, here I am...and there she is.

In this situation, it is very difficult for me to continue to extend forgiveness. It is difficult for me to put aside my emotions, my intellect, all of my own efforts, and simply plead the blood of Jesus and the grace of God that it represents over this situation.

Yet, I know I can't look back. I can't look back at what I gave up in leaving that job, and I cannot negate the grace of God that was evident in the the things that lead me to leave that job. I know it was God-ordained that I leave my job, no matter how great the pay was or how much material security it may have offered. I know all of this...yet, it so hard to see the equity in this situation.

As I am writing this, I remember the Israelites being asked if they would like to go back to Egypt. Sure, it was secure...they had food, shelter, a predictable future, and a standard of living that far exceeded what they were experiencing in the desert. But, it all came at a price, just as my material and financial comfort at my CMH job came with its own heavy price.

Of course, I know God is not always "fair", but He is just. I know that God is much more interested in my character than He is in my comfort. I know that life is to be viewed from the perspective of eternity, not from the perspective of what I see here and now. That is how God looks at it, and I need to consider all of life from His point of view. I know all of this, but it is still so hard to be at peace when I see things like what I saw today.

In other news...

I am here in Chicago, for my brother's wedding. I have stolen a few hours of solitude as my family attends the wedding rehearsal and then dinner. I am happy for my brother and his bride-to-be. I am also wondering, though, when the love I ache for will come to me. I have so much to give, and no one to give it to. I get so lonely sometimes.

I've never been the kind of girl who dreamed about getting married someday. I am not the kind of girl who started planning my wedding when I was 12 years old, just waiting for the final piece of the puzzle (the groom) to me walking through the door. I do not daydream about wedding gowns or bridesmaids dresses, or picking the perfect colors to match the flowers to match the texture of the linens to match the color of the floor in the reception hall. All I have ever wanted was the simple things...someone to build a life with, in a household of love and faith. Madly in love, based on a solid foundation.

*sigh*

I think my favorite love stories are about couples who were never couples. Friends who had an amazing friendship, and one day, just realized there was something more. It was not a big deal, they didn't go through months of dating and romance...they were just THERE. It was the obvious next step in the relationship. They just kept moving along with the natural progress of the relationship, and it wasn't a huge display for everyone to watch and speculate about. I think that would be my ideal "romance". The romance without all the drama of dating and couplehood that so often accompanies the whole progress of dating, then engagement, then planning the wedding, yadda yadda yadda. No thanks. :) I truly believe that when we (meaning me and whomever God has for me) know it's right, we will not need all the extraneous flare. We'll just know it's right.

But, where is he...???