Garden Variety Neurosis

I am a very understanding person. I can be very gentle, very loving, very nurturing, and very supportive, to the point that I ignore my own needs and desires in favor of loving, supporting, and nurturing the one my heart loves. This is my blessing and my curse, all at once. It is my blessing to be able to be so loving, it is my curse because pouring myself out often leaves me feeling incredibly empty.

I have had several relationships in my life, each with a man who brought some measure of joy to my heart. For a little while, these men, each in their own way, helped my world seem just a little more beautiful. For a little while. But, this would inevitably come to an end when the more pressing reality pushed its way to the forefront, and the truth reared its ugly head. You see, these men all have something else in common...These men, each in their own way, needed to be loved and nurtured and supported, above and beyond what would probably be the norm. I have never known the norm, so I can't say for sure. All I know is that these men seem to recognize something in me that tells them I would be an excellent source of nurturing and support and affection, and that I would be so caught up in the joy of being able to give those things that I would scarcely notice that they do not reciprocate to the same degree...and that by the time I did notice, they would be just about done with me anyway.

I think I am the ultimate stand-in. I am a relationship stunt-double that has no rival. I am not the woman any man wants to spend his whole life with, but I am certainly good enough to carry him through a difficult time in his life, while he gets himself together in prepartion for the kind of woman he would rather be with. This seems to be my lot in life, try as I may to change it. Just when I think I've finally turned over a new leaf and I am finally going to have a taste of the dream I've cherished for so long, it turns out that it was only the same old thing, just dressed a little nicer. I think I am the ideal package for Ms. Right Now.

I have started to put out feelers for a possible move. I have concluded there is nothing for me in northern Michigan but dead-end jobs, painful memories, and constant reminders of my many failures. I don't want to play anymore. After all, there are men in other parts of the country who are probably in need of a Ms. Right Now. Everyone has a calling and a purpose in their life, and I suppose it is my obligation to fulfill mine, such as it is.