Saturday, May 05, 2007

I want to believe

So, as I am going through this process of recovery, I have had a lot of time to think about all that happened, and to think about the things that are yet to come. It is a lot to process. Some of this is happening quickly, and some of the realization is coming slowly and painfully.

In a sense, I am one of the lucky ones. The cancer was found early, and all indications are that the surgery was also the cure. The doctors strongly believe that I will not need to have any further treatment, and the type of cancer I had was not malignant. In that sense, I am very blessed.

In another sense, I am feeling completely overwhelmed by all of this. I am still processing how quickly everything happened...Going into the ER for a belly ache, unable to find the reason for the belly ache, but being told that I may have cancer...then being told that they are almost certain I do have cancer, and I will need to undergo major surgery to have it removed. Going through the surgery, looking at weeks of recovery, gradually watching everything unfold and feeling like life has just run me over.

When I was first admitted into the hospital, I felt as though I still had some sort of control over what was happening in my life. I believed my stay would be short, the procedures quick and painless, and life would go on as usual shortly thereafter. Sure, I would have to do some financial wizardry to make ends meet, but I could do it.

Now, I feel that life is once again beating me up. I have worked so hard to recuperate since leaving my job at CMH, and it has taken every ounce of grit and determination to stay the course and achieve my goal of having my own apartment, finding a job that I liked AND paid the bills, and being able to live a life that was a little closer to "normal" for someone my age. (Being 31 and living with my folks was not normal....). It was a hard road to travel, but I did it, and I have been making it work. Sometimes, just barely getting by...but still, getting by. I was finally feeling like I had achieved the independence I so longed for. Now, I am looking at the very likely possibility of losing all of that, because I do not see how I will financially recuperate from all the weeks of income I will be losing because of the surgery and recovery.

For some people, I'm sure this seems like no big deal. A couple months behind in what? The overwhelming majority of people I know have jobs and apartments come and go, but they always land on their feet. For me, this feels like just one more struggle, and one more thing I've worked so hard for being slowly ripped away from me.

I want to believe that God will provide, and this will turn out better than I can imagine. I want to believe that. But the struggles I've been through over the last couple of years make it difficult for me to hold on to that. I know...God gives us enough for today. Frankly, I am tired of living with "just enough". Where is the abundance? Where are the blessings that are pressed down, shaken together, and overflowing? Where are the blessings that are exceedingly and abundantly above all we could ever ask or think?

I am grateful for how His hand has moved in this thus far. I can't deny, though, that I am desperately seeking some guidance from His hand for a very uncertain future.

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