Garden Variety Neurosis

I cannot explain what is happening, but I do feel changes happening in me. Changes that have been happening for a long while, and are soon going to bear fruit. What this means, I don't know. But I realized just today that I am in a position that allows me to be moved in any direction, and to go without hesitation. It is an exciting and frightening place to be in, all at once.

Today I realized that all that has been happening over the last few weeks has served as a wonderful means through which God has gained and held my attention. For so long, I have been praying for direction, for clarity of purpose, for the unmistakable voice of God to speak to me and tell me which way to go. I have been seeking this, and I believe I will soon have that answer. I believe it is slowly unfolding for me.

I have been wandering in the desert for some time now. I believe that the events of the last few weeks have been used as a means of bringing me to a place of rest and reflection. As I've wandered through this desert, I have often gone to the right or to the left, not staying the course. In this season, I have had to lay down some things that were very dear to me...some of that, I had no control over. Circumstances would not allow me to hold onto those things. Other things...particularly in the area of relationships...were my choice. A choice between embracing God's purposes in my life, or embracing something other than God's purposes and settling for less than His best for me. The good is always the enemy of the best...and I want the best.

I am learning that, while God does have a plan for us, He has also given us the ability to use wisdom and sound judgement to make choices, and we are responsible to make good choices in our lives. The Word says, "Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you." The phrase "these things" is often interpreted to mean earthly blessings of one sort or another. I believe that one of "these things" is our gut-instinct that tells us when something is wrong, even if we have no idea what that something. I am learning that my instincts are to be trusted. My feelings matter. My thoughts matter. And if my instincts, thoughts, and feelings are telling me that something in a situation is not right, then I need to pay attention. I have to take responsibility for my life, and make sound choices.

Such a simple concept, so often complicated and convoluted by "seeking God's will" for a situation that you already know isn't right, or seeking direction when the direction is clear. If eternity is written in our hearts, it only makes sense that a good deal of how to live out that eternity is also written there. I realize my tendency to invite pain into my life by not living what I know in my heart is truth.

I am learning more and more about God's grace as I walk through this season of change. I am learning that it is okay to go off course, because if you are truly seeking God, He will be faithful to lead you back to where you should be. Surely, there are consequences to be paid for moving away from the course you were on, but nothing that is beyond the vast expanse of His grace and mercy. I am learning that God loves me enough to take everything this life gives me, whether it is of my own doing or it was beyond my control, and turn it into something beautiful that will draw me closer to Him. I am learning that God is the biggest dreamer of us all, but He fully expects those dreams to be realized...through us.

There are moments when I feel the Giver of Dreams beckoning to me, inviting me to sit with Him, saying "Stephanie, come dream with me awhile."
A change is stirring. I can feel it.