Friday, June 15, 2007

Ah, what might have been...

If we had lasted, tomorrow would be the four month anniversary for myself and my formerly significant other. If we had lasted. If I had not broken his heart. If I had not had the realization that I wanted something other, something different, something better suited for myself and my life. It is a mercy for both of us that I finally just put an end to the incessant struggling to find reasons for us to be us, when we should never have been to begin with.

I am grateful for all the lousy relationships I have had, really. It is these lousy relationships that have helped me learn the hard lessons that will be such a great help to me when I finally meet the right guy. I am glad that the men in my life, for whom I suffered, were all wrong for me, because it has given me a better idea of what I want and need in the guy who is all right for me.

I know, this sounds so harsh. But is it really? I have come to believe that life is way too short to be skirting around the matters of the heart. Love always comes with its share of trials, simply by virtue of two human beings attempting to mesh their lives together in a way that brings a measure of harmony and happiness to both. Love does not need the further complications of trying to find reasons why a dating couple should continue dating, particularly when both parties have expressed their share of doubts, questions, and a lingering desire to bail out and move on. Life is too short to give yourself to someone who does not love you, respect you, appreciate you, cherish you, keep up with you, encourage you, support you, push you to reach a little further, yet does not try to change who you are as a person...Life is too stinking short to waste time on being with someone you do not love and cannot see yourself spending your life with. I am not sure why we dance around this, and why we consider each other insensitive and uncaring when we speak a truth that is liberating to both parties.

There is greater grace in telling your once beloved (infatuated with) significant other that you do not and will not love them as they desire to be loved, then to string them along by faking an emotion, a state of being, that is not there. It is too taxing on you to do it, and their heartache will ultimately be greater.

My heartache would ultimately have been greater. My physical healing from my surgery did not really begin to happen until I finally spoke the truth, and stopped forcing an emotional and mental state of being that was not there. My physical and emotional recovery is coming right along now, and I know without any doubt that there are better and brighter days ahead. I do not feel the burden of an inevitably doomed future anymore, and that is a tremendous burden lifted.

The truth shall set you free...And so it has.

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