Monday, June 04, 2007

Learning to Walk

I think another not so great thing about breaking up is the process of forgiving the other person. It is easy to say, "I have forgiven him." Much harder to walk in that forgiveness. I think about something that he said or that he did, and I feel angry, manipulated, hurt, and I feel a quiet rage rising up in me, demanding a vague something that would make everything in me feel at peace. (Knowing full well that there would be no peace, only a thirst for more "justice".) So, I make the choice, sometimes moment by moment, to say, " I forgive him. I extend to him the same grace and mercy that has been shown to me, and he owes me nothing."

It is so hard when you feel you have been wronged to truly accept that there is nothing you can do to change how the other person perceives what happened between the two of you. If they believe they have done no wrong, there is nothing that you can say or do to change that. I cannot change how he perceives our relationship, his role in it, or my role in it. All I know is what I see with my own eyes, how I interpret it, and the hurts that I carry in my heart because of countless little injuries over the last few months...Nameless things that only became clear to me after I stood at a far enough distance to take in the whole picture. I cannot make him see that, and at this point, I do not care to make him see it. There would be no point in bringing such things to light, as the relationship is over and I am moving on.

Still, the choice to forgive is one that must be walked out, moment by moment, until the experience of the soul matches the knowledge of the spirit. It is through God's grace that I extend grace, and wait for healing.

Easy forgiveness comes with surface offenses. Deep forgiveness comes with deep offenses, and it comes in many layers, like peeling a potato. You think you have it done when the skin is off. Then you uncover an eye, or a rotten spot, and you keep peeling. You don't know what it will look like when you're really, really done, but you keep peeling.
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