Garden Variety Neurosis

I hate the horrible residual effects of having once known someone to be wonderful, sweet, and so forth, and then to see other things about them that, while not horrible, are not exactly what you thought you would find if you were to dig deeper into the wonderful, sweet, and so forth person you thought you knew. And what stinks is that you sometimes remember the person you thought they were...the person they never were, really...and you wish that you could know that person again. Or, at the very least, not be absolutely consumed with anger and disgust when you think of the person you came to know after the blinders came off.

I hate that I cannot see some people beyond the pain that knowing them brought into my life. Oh, to return to the days of innocence...

When I think of love lost, I never find myself thinking, "I wish that person was part of my life again." Not at all. But I do often find myself thinking, " I wish I could think of that person and remember the good things about them and truly desire good things for their life, and not be consumed with insidious thoughts about them merely at the mention of their name."

I know from experience that, as time goes on, I will be able to remember my love-gone-wrong with some measure of fondness, and distance from the train wreck of our relationship will help me to see the good in who he is. I know it's there. Right now, it's hard to see that, though, and that in itself is a burden.

Why do we do what we do to each other? This whole dating thing is pretty tempestuous, when you think about it. Our hearts were never intended to be bonded then torn away from one person after another, until you finally meet that one person your poor bruised and battered heart was meant for all along. Whose idea was this, anyway?

I think it's kinda funny when people make comments regarding people bringing baggage into relationships, indicating that those who desire to be married have to leave the baggage behind. Give me a break. For the modern single, we have been told since the beginning of time that the way to find the right person is to bond yourself to a bunch of wrong people first, and then...tada!...you will finally meet the right one, and live happily ever after in your baggage-free world, because you will somehow suddenly let go of every hurt, every wound, every mark left on your soul by bonding yourself to all the wrong people on your way to the right one.

You know what? I've got baggage. And sometimes, it seems like I have a lot of it. I am by nature a very intensely emotional person, and I do tend to analyze things to death before I finally lay them down. I'm telling you, there are relationships in my life that ended years ago, which I still think about from time to time, and think, "Wow! I never realized that before...". I suspect that this baggage I have will diminish over time, and rather than moving forward with a five piece luggage set, I will eventually have just an overnight bag or a cosmetics trunk...But baggage free? Come on...