Garden Variety Neurosis

I think one of the worst parts of breaking up is when you start to remember all the things about that person that drew you to them in the first place, and you realize that you have to give up those things, too. Beyond all that, though, you start to realize that while you may be losing someone who perhaps wasn't the greatest boyfriend or girlfriend, you are also losing someone who was a great friend to you, once upon a time. It really stinks how introducing "dating" into the relationship can compromise so many things, and take such a heavy toll.

I have several male friends, and once in awhile, somebody will ask why don't I date this one, or that one. Once in a great while, I will reply with, "We have such a great friendship. Why would we mess it up by dating?" And while I ask the question in jest, the truth is, dating someone changes everything, and when you stop dating them, things are never the same...no matter how much you would like to kid yourself and think that they will be.

And so I consider Harold, and realize that I am blessed to have known him, that he has been a wonderful friend, and that I so much wish we had not tried to hurry past what we had in each other as friends. Because now that we've done that, and I concluded it was not something I wanted...things can never be the same. It's just a reality of living this side of eternity...people hurt people, and in doing so, the dynamics of how we relate to each other changes. We cannot undo the choices that were made, and live as though relationship threshholds were never crossed. Wouldn't life be great if we could just undo every choice that didn't turn out the way we wanted it to??

I suppose it's a learning experience, as all of life is. And I also suppose that, along the path to the one you're supposed to marry, it is to be expected that some relationships will change, and the change may mean that relationship is no longer part of your life at all, once all is said and done. And, I suppose I've been through this before, and survived the hurt and moved on just fine. I will survive this, and move on with my life, and all will eventually be well. Right at this moment, though, I am remembering the friendship that once was there, and all the things that lead to its demise, and I'm just thinking....What the heck was I thinking???