Garden Variety Neurosis

I would like to go to bed. But, I am in a lot of pain. It doesn't take much these days to bring on a world of hurt. I still have two more hours before I can take anymore medication to help kill the pain, or at least knock me out.

I am ready to be done with this. I do not know what will come of the biopsy next Tuesday, but I am to the point where I just want a definitive answer...even if it is cancer, and even if it means enduring painful treatments to "cure" it. I don't care. I am tired of being sick and in pain, unable to find any real relief, and not knowing why.

It is painful these days to sit, stand, lie down, walk...basically, to do anything. If I sit perfectly still all day, I might be able to get through the day without too many complaints. It is so frustrating. I want to be out there living my life. As it is, I can barely walk around my back yard without experiencing nearly unbearable pain. I want to be enjoying the Cherry Festival with my friends, but I know it would be too much and I would end up regretting that I pushed myself so hard. I went to a Bible study tonight, and I have been regretting that decision since I left the Bible study nearly four hours ago. I am in horrible pain, and the Vicodin just barely takes the edge off.

I want some answers. God, I want some answers.