Garden Variety Neurosis

On Wednesday, I will be having yet another surgery. It's a fairly simple surgery, during which my intestines will be pushed back through a hernia, the hernia will be meshed, and all will be will. Barring any surprise discoveries during surgery, it's really not a big deal. At least, not as far as the procedure itself is concerned.

I have had a lot happen in the last few years...in 2004, I had gastric bypass surgery. In 2007, after going to the ER for a couple of times for some horrible belly pain, a ct scan showed that I had a tumor growing on my left kidney. It had nothing to do with the pain in my belly. That turned out to an internal bowel hernia. A significant one, in fact. Apparently, my entire small bowel had pushed through the hernia, and twisted 180 degrees. The surgeons were impressed!

Okay, so, I had my left kidney taken out, a hernia repaired, and I thought all was well. As it turned out, I had another tumor growing, and this one was causing me quite a lot of pain. So, I needed to go through a round of radiation therapy, which was very difficult to endure. I remember not being able to hold food down, to such a degree that my niece, who was not quite 4 years old at the time, asked me, "Auntie, why do you always throw up after you eat?". How beautifully innocent!

Yes, radiation therapy was tough. I don't know how much it actually helped, because I still have sharp, searing pain where the radiation was done. I also developed colitus as a side effect of the therapy.

I wrapped up radiation therapy in August of 2007, and had several months of recovery ahead of me. In all of this, I had a lot of emotional support, even when I made the most stupid decision of my life, and married a complete asshole of a man (sorry, there just is no other way to say it). I ended up getting pregnant by that man, and leaving him. I have no regrets from making that choice.

I went through my entire pregnancy with the hernia that is being repaired on Wednesday. I had one loop of bowel popped out, easily visible under the surface of my skin, throughout my entire pregnancy. I never had a cute pregnant belly. In fact, when someone touched my belly (why is a pregnant woman's belly considered public property?), they would automatically go for the herniated area, because it was the most apparent. Then they would get an odd expression on their face, recognizing that my belly did not feel like a cute pregnant belly anymore than it looked like one. After the odd expression on their face faded, they would ask ridiculous questions like, "Is the baby kicking? Is that his foot sticking out?" At that point, I would explain in gruesome terms exactly what they had their hand on, and watch as they quickly withdrew their touch. The stranger ones would simply move their hands around on my belly until the found a spot that felt right.

Eventually, I stopped letting people touch me. It's my belly, after all, pregnant or not.

Anyway, despite all of my procedures over the last few years, and many, many trips to the ER, this situation is different. This time, I have a baby.

In addition to preparing myself for Wednesday, I've also had to wonder who is going to take care of my baby for me while I'm in the hospital, and who is going to help me with him when I get home? I won't be able to lift him for six weeks.

Fortunately, a friend of mine is going above and beyond the call of a friend's duty to a friend, and is making sure that I have all the help I need, allowing me to recover in peace. Not only will the women helping me with Jaden be doing all the heavy lifting (Jaden is 22 pounds, and that's a lot to carry around all day), but they will also cook meals to bring with them each time they come over.

I am humbled and amazed as I see the work that is going into making sure everything is taken care of while I am incapacitated. I don't know what I would do without them. My mom and my sister are going to help as much as they can, but they have their own lives to live, too. So, we are all very thankful that these ladies are helping us out.

I am tired of being in a place of need, though. Some people say that God makes things happen in our lives in order to teach us things, and He will keep bringing such situations into our lives until we learn what we need to learn. I don't believe that. We learn from it, or we don't. Perhaps I need to learn to be a good patient, and when I can, be a good caregiver.

I don't know. And now the baby's crying, and I have to go.